Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Young Victoria opened today with Emily Blunt as Queen Victoria ruling the British Empire. The time is right. Whenever Congress can’t agree on anything and everybody hates the president it’s fun to remember that it didn’t have to be this way.
Nancy Pelosi postponed health care Tuesday and flew to Copenhagen to give away taxpayer money. Every day it’s billions. Nancy is like Tiger’s 10th mistress, she knows what she’s supposed to do, she just doesn’t know if she can keep it interesting.
Tiger Woods’s approval ratings tumbled 55 points in last week’s Gallup Poll. He tied George W. Bush’s record 55 point drop when the war went wrong. It shows that pronunciation doesn’t matter, you can be brought down by Iraq or a rack.
Tiger Woods’s doctor was arrested in Canada for smuggling human growth hormone. In hindsight you can see it. There were the sudden muscles, the rage, the bad language and the Maris family sitting in the gallery at the last four tournaments.
Sandra Bullock is getting Oscar mentions for her performance in the hit movie The Blind Side. The film is a true account of a Tennessee evangelical housewife who adopted a homeless black teenager and steered him to a career in the NFL. It’s the courageous story of a Hollywood actress daring to portray an evangelical in a sympathetic light.
President Obama was accused by liberals Monday of abandoning his principles to pass a health care bill. The left, right and center now oppose the bill. With the president’s approval ratings so low, it’s big of him to want to keep everybody alive.
The White House announced plans to transfer terror detainees from Guantanamo Bay in Cuba to a federal prison in northern Illinois. Human rights activists are livid. Haven’t the terrorists been tortured enough without being turned into Cubs fans?
The Washington D.C. City Council voted Tuesday to allow same-sex marriages. They dismissed old laws against sodomy in Washington. For 200 years it’s only been legal when performed by a licensed member of the House Ways and Means Committee.
The House passed a defense spending bill and raised the debt ceiling by another trillion Wednesday. They’re a year behind California. In Washington they still think it is cool to suck all the money out of the House then spend it on a good time.
Germany deployed 2,000 troops to Afghanistan Wednesday to join the 4,500 German troops already there. They’ve been invited into Afghanistan after a sixty-year time-out for starting two world wars. Nobody loves you until they need you.
Iran successfully test-launched a missile with a range of 1,200 miles Wednesday. It can reach Israel. If Iran arms it with a nuclear warhead it would be the first missile ever deployed that could destroy Israel while denying the Holocaust.
Mexico entered a float in the Rose Parade to salute its bicentennial New Year’s Day. The parade draws two million Southern Californians. If Schwarzenegger has a brain in his head he’ll walk behind this float so it’ll look like the roar is for him.
The History Channel will do an eight-part movie on Jack, Bobby and Ted Kennedy. It takes eight episodes just to dramatize all their infidelities. All of these things were secret until now because the Kennedys were afraid they’d lose their Nike contract.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.18.09

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