Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
John McCain urged a pardon for heavyweight champion Jack Johnson who was jailed for keeping a white mistress a century ago. The laws were rigid. Back then people didn’t considered adultery a private matter between golfers and their sponsors.
London bookmakers began laying odds on how much money Tiger Woods will have to shell out in a divorce settlement with Elin Nordegren. The over-and-under is $200 million. They already agreed to split the house, he gets the outside.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke was voted Time’s Person of the Year last week. He’s smart. Ben Bernanke was the first to figure out that while a bank’s stock might crash just once, the homeowner can crash forever in his parents’ basement.
Jack Kennedy’s mansion in Palm Beach was reportedly purchased from the Kennedy family on Thursday. Family patriarch Joe Kennedy used to sit by the pool in the Florida sun and manipulate the stock market over the phone. How we miss his leadership.
Archaeologists in Egypt recovered a piece of Cleopatra’s palace complex Friday from Alexandria harbor. The ancient queen really understood politics. To maintain her power she slept with Mark Antony, Julius Caesar, Eddie Fisher and Richard Burton.
President Obama was in Copenhagen Friday for the U.N. Climate Summit. The Third World nations think it’s their big chance to get our money. They can’t all wait for the U.S. and Britain to topple their governments and send in CIA guys with the cash.
Hillary Clinton pledged a hundred billion dollars to developing nations at Copenhagen if China and India agree to binding commitments to lower their carbon emissions. She put on a good show. The idea is to look good to the Third World and agree to something that’s no more enforceable than the morals clause of a Nike endorsement deal.
Democratic U.S. Senator Dick Durbin ripped Senate Republicans, saying the minority is holding up cap-and-trade legislation, they’re blocking the health care reform bill and they’ll block Copenhagen agreements. That’s how the Founding Fathers designed it. The Constitution makes Democrats so sick they plan to name the next flu after it.
Haley Barbour said health care reform is a mass suicide pact for the Democrats like Jonestown. Democrats are drinking Kool-Aid while Republicans are having Tea Parties. The line for the restrooms in Washington is an hour and a half and counting.
As the World Turns was canceled by CBS after 50 years. What else can they do? When Tony Romo leaves Jessica Simpson a day after she meets Tiger Woods on a golf course, no soap opera can beat the news for adult language and sexual situations.
New York Senator Chuck Schumer apologized for arguing with a flight attendant Sunday and swearing at her. He shouldn’t act that way. If he’s thrown in jail for interfering with a flight crew the Democrats won’t have enough votes to cut off debate.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.21.09

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