Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs conceded Friday that President Obama hasn’t had time to get back to Chicago each weekend as he’d hoped. So far Chicago hasn’t gotten the Olympics or many presidential visits, but he hasn’t forgotten his old hometown. For Christmas he’s sending them the terrorist detainees from Guantanamo.
Ohio former congressman James Trafficant said Thursday he may run for Congress again now that he’s out of federal prison on corruption charges. It’s an argument for term limits. James Trafficant served ten terms, nine in Congress and one in jail.
Tiger Woods was named Athlete of the Decade by the Associated Press last week. His career is by no means over. In addition to going after Jack Nicklaus’s record for most majors he’s now in sight of Michael Jordan’s record for biggest divorce settlement.
Tiger Woods was reported house hunting in France to escape his daily shaming in the U.S. and British media. The idea isn’t new. Two centuries ago Thomas Jefferson purchased Louisiana so he could enjoy an occasional weekend getaway from the Puritans.
Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan publicly begged Tiger Woods to contact them Friday. He’s changed his cell phone number and gone underground. If they can switch his addiction from sex to gambling they can save his career because cards don’t talk.
Senate Democrats hurried Friday to meet the president’s Christmas deadline for health care passage. Some things can’t be rushed. Chefs say it’s better to cook on a stovetop and see what you’re doing than cook in a microwave and see what you’ve done.
New York plastic surgeon Steve Greenberg organized a Times Square rally against the plastic surgery tax in the health care bill. What a sight. It was the youngest and hottest-looking picket line since the Vietnam War ended and nobody was under fifty.
Queen Elizabeth delighted her subjects by taking a commuter passenger train to her winter home in Sandringham Thursday rather than fly. She likes to stay safely on the ground. She’s bound and determined to save England by outliving Prince Charles.
President Obama flew to Copenhagen Friday in his third trip to Scandinavia. He went there for the Olympics, the Nobel Prize and the climate summit. He’s spending so much time in Scandinavia the Chicago Tribune just accused him of being a Vikings fan.
President Obama wants rich countries to give a hundred billion a year to poor countries to compensate them for climate change. It won’t fly. The U.S. only gives poor nations a hundred billion a year to compensate for changes in their oil reserves.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reserved five Air Force jets to take her delegation to Copenhagen on Thursday. There was no talking her out of it. Ever since Nancy Pelosi found out that humans don’t cause global warming she’s been living like a queen.
President Obama warned on Thursday the U.S. will go bankrupt without health care reform. It’s taking fire from the left, right and center but no one can kill it. Health care reform is the first bill ever to graduate from an al-Qaeda training camp.
President Obama wrote a personal letter Friday to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il to try to persuade him to return to disarmament talks. They have missiles that could hit China and Japan and North Korea. Without new televisions, Americans will die.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.22.09

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