Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
John Daly went on CBS News Monday to show that he just lost one hundred pounds with lap band surgery. He was able to cure his problem with surgery. If Elin Woods had picked up a scalpel instead of a nine-iron the same might be said for Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods caught heat from civil rights leaders Monday about all fifteen of his mistresses being white and none of them being black. You can understand their outrage. President Eisenhower used to send in the National Guard over ratios like this.
Washington D.C. will enjoy a beautiful White Christmas this year after a foot of snow fell Saturday. The parties were especially festive. At a Washington D.C. party it’s not so important that your guests feel drunk, they must feel drunk and important.
Brett Favre had to argue with his coach to stay in the game Sunday. His games have been moved to prime time because he gets such huge ratings. He can’t be pulled out of the game unless the advertisers agree and they couldn’t be reached on a Sunday.
San Diego Chargers lineman Jon Runyan announced Sunday he will retire after the season and run for U.S. Congress. He’s already practicing. On Sunday he offered the referee an exemption from Medicaid costs if he would go easy on the holding penalties.
Louisiana won the title of the happiest people in America in a national survey that was released on Friday. It makes sense. If you had alligators guarding your stills and meth labs from Treasury agents you’d be the happiest people in America, too.
Pope Benedict pushed Pope Pius XII’s nomination for sainthood forward Saturday, dredging up skeletons. Pius XII signed a concordat with Hitler while Benedict fought for Hitler. Sainthood is rapidly becoming as discredited as the Nobel Peace Prize.
Senator Ben Nelson’s vote clinched passage of health care reform Sunday after he got Nebraska exempted from Medicaid cost hikes plus a tax exemption for Mutual of Omaha. Nebraskans are furious. What they wanted was a domed stadium for the Huskers.
Ben Nelson sold his health care vote for a tax break for Nebraska and Mary Landrieu sold hers for Louisiana pork. Vermont and Connecticut senators also cleaned up. Tiger Woods’s mistress tally is up to seventeen and the last three are United States senators.
Anglican priest Tim Jones urged the poor to shoplift from the big chain stores Sunday, saying the needs of the poor outweigh the property rights of the rich. Some guys are always last to get the word. The Copenhagen Climate Conference was last week.
France’s Eurostar passenger train stalled in the English Channel on its way to England from Paris Sunday. People froze in the dark waiting to get moving forward again. You’d think with their military record the French would have a train that went backwards.
Harry Reed called the need for health care reform a crisis in a speech Sunday on the Senate floor. He said two Americans were dying during his ten-minute speech. However, he is not about to give up the Senate floor just to give CPR to two people in the gallery.
Mexico City legislators legalized gay marriage Monday, making it the first city in Latin America to do so. The Catholic Church doesn’t object. The law requires gay couples to have ten children within three years or the marriage will be annulled.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com
Published in The Messenger 12.23.09

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