Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? Mattel’s Barbie doll was reported the top selling Christmas toy this year. She is completely up-to-date. Barbie’s Dream House now has a nine-iron in the umbrella stand in case Ken starts going to the toy stores and looking at the other Barbie dolls. Tiger Woods’s wife Elin contacted a divorce lawyer on Friday after a fifteenth mistress came out to the tabloids. The list keeps growing. The Postal Service just announced plans to honor Tiger Woods by putting his photograph on the overnight stamp. Martha Stewart welcomed Snoop Dogg to her show Friday where they baked brownies together. They were topped with green sprinkles. That’s the way many inmates get high in prison, but it’s just a coincidence Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart have the same recipe. Queen Elizabeth gives her annual Christmas Day address to the English-speaking world Friday from Sandringham Castle. It’s her one speech a year. She doesn’t have time to answer all the thousands of letters from Americans begging her to take us back. Sarah Palin cut her Hawaiian vacation short Friday because the paparazzi hounded her on the beach. Blame it on her book tour. Once you’ve gone into Iowa and eaten a pork chop on a stick it’s a long time before you can be photographed in a bathing suit. Major General Anthony Cucolo said in Iraq Monday that soldiers who get pregnant will face court martial and prison. The same goes for the soldiers who impregnated them. We have to make up our minds, are we fighting the Taliban or have we become the Taliban? Senate Democrats voted early Monday for a health care bill that raises taxes on the rich. Last week, Democrats reinstated the inheritance tax. It’s just a matter of time before cops are pulling NBA players out of their cars and arresting them for possession of money. Senate Democrats slapped a ten percent tax on tanning salon sessions Monday in the health care bill. It was a failed attempt to get John McCain’s vote. The idea was to make tanning salons so expensive it would be cheaper to buy a house in Arizona. Roman Polanski’s attempt to get his case dismissed in Los Angeles was rejected by the state appeals court unanimously. The last thing we need are kids in Los Angeles flirting with mall Santas, thinking he can get them into the movies. Boeing test-flew its new Dreamliner last week over the Pacific Northwest. They discovered the wiring under the cabin needs more protection. Ever since airlines stopped serving food, passengers have been gnawing their way through the floor board. Senate Democrats vowed Monday to pass immigration reform to bring construction workers back from Mexico. This could have Republican support. With Charlton Heston dead and the Mexicans gone home it’s virtually impossible to get your ceiling painted. The FBI released its annual crime report Monday showing that crime fell last year. Crime usually goes up during an economic downturn. During the Great Depression America had John Dillinger, Pretty Boy Floyd and Bonnie and Clyde, but this time all the bank robbers are on the board of directors and they haven’t been arrested yet. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.24.09

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