Argus Hamilton
Posted: Tuesday, December 29, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Pope Benedict was knocked down by a woman at a Christmas service Thursday. She tackled the pope and an aging cardinal. In every nation with free health care the taxpayers are attacking the elderly for running up the tab and then walking out on the check. The Weather Channel showed blizzards sweeping across the Great Plains Thursday that canceled many Christmas Eve services. Records were set. Dallas had its first White Christmas in eight decades which didn’t involve Michael Irvin and a coffee table. Golf Digest suspended Tiger Woods’s monthly instructional golf articles Friday, continuing his free-fall in sponsor support. Not all of Tiger’s corporate sponsors have bailed out. Until an ugly mistress turns up, Lasik Eye Center is standing by him. President Obama flew to Hawaii accompanied by three planes, two helicopters and a fleet of SUVs. He just got back from China and three trips to Scandinavia. Every time he releases his itinerary, oil shoots up two dollars a barrel on supply concerns. GOP Congressman Bart Stupak vowed to sabotage the health care bill if it funds abortion. It’s a GOP article of faith. Republicans believe in the sanctity and protection of life from conception to birth and after that it’s the law of the jungle. GOP state attorneys general vowed Thursday to challenge the health care reform bill over the Cornhusker Kickback provision. Nebraskans are mortified. They didn’t want their Medicaid expenses subsidized by other states, all they wanted was a BCS bid. Nevada Senator Harry Reid accidentally voted no on his own health care bill at seven o’clock in the morning on Christmas Eve. Everyone was exhausted and operating on auto-pilot. It just shows that Harry Reid knows how to get re-elected in his sleep. The Census Bureau said Thursday the United States population grew by less than one percent last year. A major factor in the low count is the disappearance of migration. Within three years we could see Americans back at shortstop and second base. The Pentagon killed the Islam cleric in Yemen who mentored the Ft. Hood shooter Thursday. He was picked off by a missile from a Predator drone. It’s the first indication that the military opposes the plan to put terrorists on trial in New York. Jimmy Carter apologized to Jews last week if anything he has said or written offended them. He wrote that Israel was guilty of apartheid. Jimmy Carter didn’t think it was insulting because it was his platform the first time he ran for governor. Osama bin Laden’s seventeen-year-old daughter escaped the Iranian guards who’ve kept her under house arrest Thursday and sought refuge in the Saudi embassy in Teheran. This could work out. She’s been running up her credit cards with Internet shopping and eventually she’s going to have to turn in her father for the reward money. The Pentagon said Thursday it might keep terror detainees at Guantanamo prison in Cuba until next year. The Illinois prison needs ten months of upgrades and construction. It’s being rebuilt entirely by Illinois contractors and union labor, meaning it won’t be finished until halfway through the Limbaugh Administration. The U.S. Senate passed the health care reform bill Thursday with only Democratic Party support for it. The Republicans warned that it won’t end well. Jesus had a health care plan that healed people for free but the paperwork simply crucified him. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.29.09
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Argus Hamilton
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