Argus Hamilton

 LA JOLLA — Happy New Year, everybody, and God bless America. It’s time for our annual look back at the year in jokes. Here’s part one; come back tomorrow for part two. JANUARY — President Bush gave his farewell speech to the nation Thursday and took credit for making America safer. He sure did. When he first became president airliners were crashing into New York office towers, and today they are landing safely on the Hudson. Barack Obama was sworn into office Tuesday on the steps of the U.S. Capitol. What a moment. History was made at twelve o’clock noon when Barack Obama became America’s first black president since the second season of Twenty-Four. FEBRUARY — The White House announced Thursday that President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address to Congress a week from Tuesday. He will begin the speech by saying the State of the Union is strong. It is always a good idea to open with a joke. Attorney General Eric Holder was absent from the State of the Union Tuesday to ensure continuity of government. It’s silly to think a bomb would go off during the president’s address. The destruction occurs when Congress votes, not when they listen. MARCH — The Ellis Island Library just honored a couple who emigrated to America fifty years ago for their civic contributions to New York. They raised two sons. The first is the head of a Wall Street investment firm, and the other one’s in prison too. The Smithsonian opened an exhibit honoring Abe Lincoln as a man of the people Monday. For God’s sake, he was a rich railroad lawyer. If Abe were a man of the people he would’ve sat in the audience with them during the play and served two terms. APRIL — President Obama went on the air Monday to calm any spreading panic about swine flu. The last outbreak of swine flu occurred back in the late Seventies. Forty million people received vaccination shots, the rest are still looking for a good vein. Captain Richard Phillips flew home to Vermont Friday after he was rescued from Somali pirates at sea, who were killed by three U.S. Navy Seals snipers. He got a parade. The three snipers are so popular that American Idol wants to use them as judges next year. MAY — New York marked Cinco de Mayo Thursday by introducing the world’s first kosher tequila, Tequila Agave. It’s really kosher. The tequila is blessed by a rabbi, and it has the Orthodox union seal on each label, and the worm in the bottle is Bernie Madoff. President Obama held a White House press conference Wednesday to discuss his progress. He’s doing fantastically well. After a hundred days he already owns General Motors, six banks and Chrysler, which is why no one in his family will play Monopoly with him. JUNE — Michael Jackson’s body was found Friday to have contained Valium, Xanax, Paxil Zoloft, Demerol, Percoset and Propofil. There’s no way he left us for a better world than that one. Michael Jackson might be the first man ever to descend to heaven. Ronald Reagan’s statue was put in the Capitol next to a picture of Christopher Columbus. There’s a big difference between Columbus’s career as an explorer and Ronald Reagan’s acting career. Columbus had to kill all his Indians in the first take. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.31.09

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