Argus Hamilton

 BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama was ripped Tuesday for responding slowly to the failed airline bombing. He did everything he could. When word got to him on the fifteenth hole that the country had been attacked he asked the next three groups if he could play through. NBC chartered a jet to bring David Goldman and his little boy home from Brazil after a five year custody battle. The private plane’s a good idea. The boy’s first impression of life back home in America shouldn’t be the cavity search at the airport. The TSA made plans Monday to give air passengers full body screenings, inciting outrage by privacy advocates. The machines see through your clothes and take your picture, then file it. It’s like trusting your security to an Internet modeling agency. Democrats complained Monday that Republicans are blocking the nomination of the new head of the TSA because he wants to unionize airport security screeners. They simply can’t be allowed to unionize. If they work any slower we’ll all miss our planes. New York La Guardia Airport passengers told reporters Monday they were furious over new intrusive security measures at airports. Everybody thought it was health care that would bring down the Democrats. That was before we knew they were going to make us take off our underwear in line at the airport and run it through the scanner. U.S. marshals released photos Monday of the underpants worn by the airline bomber. Eighty grams of explosive powder caught fire instead of detonating in his underwear. The flight attendant didn’t spill coffee on him so his crotch didn’t burn. Al-Qaeda’s Said al Shihri and Muhammad al Awfi said they trained the Northwest bomber. Two years ago the two were released from Gitmo to Saudi Arabia, where they were put through an art therapy program. Dick Cheney arranged for them to be water-colored. President Obama admitted Tuesday the U.S. had information on the airliner bomber that wasn’t acted on. He cited human and systemic failures. President Obama may not get a four-year extension from the near-catastrophe but the producers of Twenty-Four will. Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano drew ridicule Sunday when she said the system worked. A Muslim on the terrorist watch list with no luggage paid cash for a one-way ticket and was let on the plane. Only Elin Woods was more blind to a threat. Illinois offered to incarcerate the Guantanamo detainees at a maximum security federal prison near Chicago last week. The situation is fluid. Their lawyers could get them in one of those country club prisons but they’re too proud to turn Protestant. President Obama went on TV for the second time in two days from Hawaii Tuesday to vow a review of airport procedures. The White House is fighting the perception that it’s not serious about security. They could have people take off their underwear to get into a state dinner, but the policy didn’t work out very well for Bill Clinton. Senator Max Baucus became an Internet star Thursday when video surfaced of his slurred speech on the Senate floor for the health care bill, indicating he’d enjoyed a three martini lunch. Get into the spirit. This bill is either a tribute to Teddy Kennedy or it’s not. Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen Friday for assaulting his wife in a drunken brawl. It sends a strong message to young men. You are wasting your twenties if you don’t wake up hung over every Sunday morning with a picture frame around your head. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.4.10

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