Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Los Angeles fitness centers reported a big spike in sign-ups Monday as plastic surgeons found themselves booked solid. It’s no surprise. Polls show last week’s most frequently-made New Year’s resolution was to get in shape for airport screenings. Rush Limbaugh returns to the air Wednesday after suffering chest pains while he was on vacation in Hawaii last week. He said he was completely tested and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with his heart. Liberals just can’t catch a break this year. Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas drew a gun on teammate Javaris Crittenton in the locker room over a gambling debt. No one was wounded in the melee. Gilbert Arenas is the best outside shooter in the NBA but thank God the locker room is inside. Harvey Milk will be honored in California schools every May after a new law took effect Monday. The gay activist was slain in the Seventies. For one day a year every classroom in the state will replace the Pledge of Allegiance with the singing of YMCA. Senator John Kerry checked into a Boston hospital for hip replacement surgery this week. It’s his second procedure. After he lost to President Bush five years ago, Democrats thought John Kerry needed a hip replacement, so they got Barack Obama. Congress agreed Monday to exempt the Amish from the seven hundred fifty dollar fine for not having health insurance. Chalk it up to special needs. When you call for an ambulance in Lancaster two guys in hats show up with the fastest horse in town. President Obama returned to Washington from Hawaii on Air Force One Monday. He doesn’t have to deal with airport security He’s lucky he was elected president or he would still be at O’Hare Airport explaining those Indonesian stamps on his passport. Tiger Woods lost his lucrative AT&T endorsement deal on Friday. He was calling fifteen mistresses every morning, texting them all afternoon, and having phone sex with them every night. AT&T had no choice, the employee discount was breaking the company. The Sahara Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas closed two of its three towers in December. It’s the economy. It’s going to cripple the Nevada government unless they can figure out a way to put a hotel tax on people who sleep in their rental cars. The U.S. and Britain closed embassies in Yemen due to terror threats Monday. It’s really easy to recruit young terrorists in Yemen. They tell them they can do all the drugs they want without worrying about what they’ll look like when they’re sixty. President Obama’s rules for screening U.S.-bound passengers in foreign airports were reportedly widely ignored Monday. The poor guy. He lives with his mother-in-law, his wife and two daughters, and just once he’d like somebody to do what he says. The Emir of Dubai opened the Burj Dubai Monday, which is one hundred sixty stories tall. The hotel, office and apartment building is half a mile high. You can’t get to the top three floors without hospital-grade anesthesia and a record contract. The Museum of Fine Art in Boston was reported Monday to be authenticating a painting believed to be by Leonardo da Vinci, who was a sculptor, architect, inventor, scientist, musician and painter. The more things change, the more they stay the same. The economy was so bad in those days he had to re-train every six months for a new career. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.6.10

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