Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Avatar directed by James Cameron did a billion dollar box office by Monday. He also directed the mega-hit Titanic. The U.S. government could turn a profit if we got James Cameron to direct Airport Body Screenings and gave him the distribution deal. Rush Limbaugh was hospitalized briefly with mild chest pains while vacationing in Honolulu. He returned to the air Wednesday after doctors tested every crevice of him and couldn’t find anything. Nobody’s allowed in the air without a full body search. Joan Rivers got bounced from a flight to New York City from Costa Rica because the name on her passport was Joan Rosenberg a.k.a. Joan Rivers. The airport’s facial recognition software failed. You have to scan Joan Rivers once a week if you want to stay current. The White House ordered enhanced screening of passengers from Cuba, Iran, Sudan and Syria Monday. We should insist on having Cubans on every flight. Back when they hijacked planes in the ’70s, they landed every one of them safely in Havana. Google entered the telephone wars Tuesday introducing the Nexus One Superphone to consumers. It combines the convenience of a cellphone with the power of the Google search engine. No matter where you leave your cellphone it can find it for you. The Taliban vowed on its Web site Tuesday to continue deploying suicide bombers as martyrs to the cause. The toughest task nowadays is finding 72 virgins to greet them in Paradise. The recruiters stick out like sore thumbs in Amish country. Washington Wizard Gilbert Arenas apologized for pointing a gun at a teammate in the locker room. He was refusing to pay a gambling debt. No one in Washington thinks they have to pay debts as long as there is any money left in the stimulus fund. C-SPAN’s Brian Lamb wrote to Democratic House and Senate leaders this week asking that C-SPAN be allowed to televise health care negotiations. C-SPAN can’t do this live. The way Congress is planning to screw the American people, there’d have to be a five-second delay to give the control room enough time to scramble the private parts. Nancy Pelosi threw an elbow at President Obama Tuesday for breaking a campaign promise never to raise taxes on the middle class. Her remarks were scrutinized very carefully. Her facial muscles don’t move so you can never tell if she is kidding. Democratic House and Senate leaders met in private with the White House Monday to hammer out a health care deal. The public and congressional committee chairmen were completely shut out of the deliberation process. The only way we’re going to get the details on this bill is if Tiger Woods cheats on it and the tabloids find out. President Obama discussed how to tighten up airport security with his national security team Tuesday. They’re in a real pickle. The penalty is 20 years in prison for attempting to blow up an airliner but it’s 40 years in prison for racial profiling. President Obama named Raytheon’s Amanda Simp-son to a cabinet security post this week. The transgender woman was born Mitch Simpson and was a test pilot, and now he is a woman. When Barack Obama promised change no one thought it would involve surgery. Invictus star Morgan Freeman was hired by CBS News to replace Walter Cronkite’s voice on tape introducing the newscast every night. The actor agreed to play Nelson Mandela a year ago when the idea of playing a black president on a historic mission was a can’t-miss career move. One year later he’s doing voice-overs and lucky to be working. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.8.10

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