Argus Hamilton

 BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how’s everybody? Google introduced a smart phone with security software and camera and Internet link. This is the answer. Airport lines will move faster when people can just take a picture of themselves naked and send it to the airport one hour before their flight. Weatherproof put up a photo of President Obama wearing their windbreaker in China on a Times Square billboard. It’s wrong. President Obama expressed anger over the unauthorized use of his picture on a billboard and gave them six years to take it down. Florida growers suffered crop damage Wednesday when a cold front froze oranges and strawberries in twenty-degree weather. Floridians are bracing for the worst. Al Gore wants the temperatures re-counted because they don’t agree with his exit polls. Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren was reported Tuesday seeking a three hundred million dollar divorce settlement. She could be the one who gets all the golfing equipment endorsements from now on. Who wouldn’t want to buy the clubs that beat Tiger? President Obama honored the nation’s top high school science teachers Wednesday. He was just thinking of the children. We must recognize that if we don’t satisfy their thirst for science knowledge, they will just run off to Yemen and study with al-Qaeda. Dutch cops seized twenty tons of pure cocaine in an Amsterdam warehouse Monday worth forty million dollars. The city is a major distribution center. When a Dutch film director leaped over three seats in one bound and beat up a Nigerian airline bomber, nobody asked how he got his super-powers and why he was on his way to Detroit. The Justice Department charged the Underwear Bomber for attacking a plane with a weapon of mass destruction. Brilliant move. His lawyer can now get him off by citing the widely accepted fact that there never were any weapons of mass destruction. Slovakia used an innocent citizen’s airline luggage to see if they could sneak explosives through airport security on his flight to Dublin. The explosives ended up in Ireland. The Irish only kill the British so the Obama Administration isn’t upset. The White House admitted Wednesday that a third crasher slipped into the state dinner for India. The Secret Service said the president was never in danger. Say what you will against the Warren Commission, they never claimed that the system worked. President Obama told Hispanic leaders he will push for citizenship for illegal aliens. He’s as determined as ever. At this point people aren’t asking if the Republicans are going to take back Congress, just whether they’re going to cover the spread. Senator Chris Dodd said Wednesday he won’t seek re-election, a day after Senator Byron Dorgan bowed out, while Ben Nelson is thirty points behind in Nebraska. No need for Democrats to panic. There’s still time to rob one more train before the Pinkertons arrive. Senator Chris Dodd recalled his great friendship with Teddy Kennedy Wednesday when he announced he’s retiring from the Senate. They raised a lot of hell together. One morning they sat down in the Senate dining room, hung over after partying all night, and when they ordered three-minute eggs the waitress told them they’ll never make it. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.11.10

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