Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? Charlie Sheen lost his Hanes underwear endorsement deal for assaulting his wife on Christmas Day. It’s crazy. On a day when men’s shorts were used to try to blow up a plane they are blaming Charlie Sheen for ruining the good name of underwear. The Weather Channel reported record chill in the Midwest and South and Eastern Seaboard. No one’s ever seen anything like it. Six football players were treated for frostbite in the middle of a game last week, and this was during the Orange Bowl. The Rose Bowl hosted the national championship game between Texas and Alabama in gorgeous weather. There was no animosity between the two sides inside the stadium. Everybody was just focused on the greater good of the secession movement. Warren Beatty is the subject of a biography called Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America. The movie star admits bedding twelve thousand women. Tiger Woods just told Jack Nicklaus to rest easy, he has decided to go after Warren Beatty’s record instead. The Justice Department indicted the Underwear Bomber Wednesday. He was known to be an al-Qaeda recruit, yet he was allowed right onboard. American businessmen in a hurry should forget about the Trusted Traveler program and just train with al-Qaeda. Fans of ABC’s Lost petitioned President Obama not to give his State of the Union speech on the night of the show’s premiere. It’s a series about plane crash survivors on an island. As soon as President Obama heard there was a plane crash involved he took full responsibility and expressed full confidence in the president of ABC Entertainment. President Obama gave his third speech on the airline attack Thursday. First he was cool, then he was passive, then he was angry. If Ronald Reagan had needed this many takes to get it right, Warner Bros would have dropped his contract the first year. President Obama ordered airport passenger scanners upgraded Thursday. It’s all tied in with health care reform. If you don’t have a personal physician you just fly somewhere and the TSA screener will tell you if your gall bladder looks all right. Newark Airport’s shutdown last week was found to have been caused by a guy who slipped through security to give a woman one last good-bye kiss. Ten thousand people were evacuated from the terminal, then re-screened. A clip of the kiss was shown on network television all day Thursday and now there’s two more divorces in the works. Senator Ben Nelson caught grief in Nebraska for his health care deal while two other Democrats said they won’t run again. Lawmakers are having a rough time back home. Every time they drink a glass of water it comes gushing out of the bullet holes. The NBA suspended Wahington Wizard Gilbert Arenas Wednesday for wielding a gun in the locker room and then joking about it on Twitter. It could cost him eighty million dollars. It’s the most expensive joke in Washington since the last budget bill. Sarah Palin announced she will give the keynote speech to the first Tea Party convention next month in Nashville. They favor lower taxes and more liberty and less government. The group had to meet in Nashville because Brigadoon is booked solid. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.12.10

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