Argus Hamilton
Posted: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Mark McGwire admitted Monday that he used steroids, joining Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Alex Rodriguez. This wraps up the decade nicely. Through three presidents, two wars and a financial crisis the only person who has told us the truth is Jose Canseco. Pete Carroll left USC to coach the NFL’s Seattle Seahawks on Monday. No one can believe he’s leaving L.A. for the Pacific Northwest where it’s rainy and cold all year. Living in Seattle is like being married to a beautiful woman who is always sick. Alabama beat Texas to win the national championship Thursday. The other powers saw this coming when Nick Saban became their coach. Every county in Oklahoma voted for John McCain over Barack Obama for president because his name sounded like Go Bama. The Dallas Cowboys won a huge playoff game Saturday with George W. Bush sitting in the owner’s box. He promised the commissioner he would be there. He’s got to go to every game until Barack Obama breaks his record as the worst president in history. The Secret Service arrested a man Thursday who took off his clothes and jogged naked on the sidewalk around the White House. It was a misunderstanding. The security screening for the White House tour is not as severe as the security to get on a plane. Yemeni cleric Anwar al-Awlaki’s father told CNN his son is not a member of al-Qaeda. He swears his son is not a terrorist recruiter or mastermind. That was good enough for Homeland Security, who promptly added his name to the Welcome Aboard list. Nigeria’s Umar Abdulmutallab pleaded not guilty in Detroit Friday to trying to blow up an airliner on Christmas. The episode was a nasty surprise. Obviously our attempt to make air travel so aggravating that the terrorists won’t use it has failed. The Gallup Poll reported Monday that 80 percent of Americans support the TSA’s decision to install full-body scanners. Two-thirds say they wouldn’t mind being scanned. They don’t realize it requires a front scan and a back scan and a pole dance. Simon Cowell announced Monday he’s leaving American Idol next year after eight seasons. David Hasselhoff had just announced he’s leaving America’s Got Talent. There are so many judicial openings it’s a wonder President Obama can get any other work done. The Drudge Report published side-by-side photos of Sen. Harry Reid Monday suggesting he’s had cosmetic surgery over the holidays, including an eye lift and a face lift. He can’t take it anymore. He’s tired of people mistaking him for Strom Thurmond. Harry Reid apologized Monday for once saying that Barack Obama could be elected president because he’s light-skinned and doesn’t have a Negro dialect. It took two hours to be absolved. He said the president has forgiven him, the civil rights leadership’s forgiven him and Nevada’s one black resident, O.J. Simpson, has forgiven him. The White House accepted Sen. Harry Reid’s apology for predicting President Obama’s electibility because he’s a light-skinned black with no Negro dialect. They can’t pass health care reform without Harry Reid. If he resigned now he could save the Democratic Party. Richard Nixon’s 30-year-old grandson Chris Nixon Cox registered to run for U.S. Congress with the New York GOP Monday. It’s big news. Richard Nixon’s ghost had been inhabiting Sarah Palin but the climate in Alaska was too drastic a change for him. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.13.10
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Argus Hamilton
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