Argus Hamilton on NWTNTODAY.COM

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Nixon Library released tapes showing that Richard Nixon didn’t like Johnny Carson. It wasn’t mutual. Johnny Carson needed 15 jokes a night to pay off three mortgages and two ex-wives, and he worshipped the ground Richard Nixon walked on. Sarah Palin signed a huge deal with Fox News Monday to provide news commentary on the cable channel. This will be good practice for her. Sarah Palin hopes to be the first Republican since Ronald Reagan who can shoot, breed and read a TelePrompter. David Letterman continued winning the late-night ratings war this week. He has overcome the adultery scandal. NBC just analyzed why Jay and Conan’s ratings are so low and they have decided to offer the Tonight Show to the governor of South Carolina. Daily Variety reports that the NFL playoffs are drawing the highest TV ratings ever. Everyone’s interested. If you put 22 men on a field and give them all concussions the odds are that one of them will come up with a better health care bill. Coach Pete Carroll exited USC to become the coach of the Seattle Seahawks when the NFL team met his terms Monday. The coach demanded to have the power to hire or fire players no matter how much money they’re paid. It’s the same power he had at USC. Oliver Stone caused an uproar Monday when he told an interviewer that Hitler can’t be judged without understanding the times he lived in. He added that he’s walked in Hitler’s shoes and Stalin’s shoes to understand their points of view. It’s just like a Hollywood director to brag that he has the same shoe size as Hitler and Stalin. The White House halted transfer of terrorist detainees from Guantanamo to Saudi Arabia. The Saudis were running them through an art school rehab. That’s a nice way of saying they were in an al-Qaeda training camp firing paintballs at each other. Game Change mortified Democrats when it hit bookstores Monday with quotes from Harry Reid calling Barack Obama a Negro and Bill Clinton calling him a coffee-fetcher. It’s retro week in America. Grocery stores are selling Pepsi in the old formula with real sugar in it and Democrats are once again the party that opposed emancipation. Harry Reid said Barack Obama was electable because he’s light-skinned with no Negro dialect. It’s no surprise. Harry Reid first caught the nation’s attention when he was a child actor in the ’50s and starred in the Disney movie High Yeller. President Obama forgave Harry Reid Monday, saying he’s always been on the right side of history. How generous. He believes the nation is divided into two groups of people, those who are willing to do what he says and those who are slave-owning Nazis. Nancy Pelosi caught heat Monday for using three government jets to haul friends to Copenhagen. She booked five-star hotel rooms for fellow Democrats to help get a climate treaty and they accomplished nothing. Republicans say it’s money well spent. Northern Ireland’s first lady Iris Robinson resigned her seat in Parliament on Monday. Her affair with a 19-year-old boy surfaced. Ten years ago Northern Ireland honored President Clinton with a statue and he’s been a role model ever since. The White House said Monday President Obama’s next goal was a new law to give illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship. He’s making a big mistake. President Bush couldn’t get this bill passed even when there were jobs that Americans wouldn’t do. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.15.10