Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama ridiculed GOP Senate candidate Scott Brown for driving a Chevy truck during his speech in Boston Sunday. It wasn’t helpful. Tiger Woods just got fired as the spokesman for General Motors and the new guy’s not working out any better. Elvis Presley’s doctor admitted Friday he wrote ten thousand prescriptions for Elvis in his last year. He was on liquid cocaine, steroids, barbiturates and painkillers when he died. Elvis Presley may be the only person in history who descended to heaven. USC coach Lane Kiffin angered Tennessee fans by urging their recruits to follow him to USC. It’s not fair. L.A. can offer a reality show while all Tennessee can offer is a moonshine still, and a seventeen-year-old will choose the still every time. Jay Leno agreed Friday to host the Tonight Show and Conan O’Brien will leave. Everything’s going to go back to the way it was. Joe Biden went home for his mom’s funeral last week and when he came back Dick Cheney was living in his house. Senator Ben Nelson was booed when he walked into a Nebraska restaurant because of outrage over health care. He tried to explain it away by saying the beef is very fresh in Omaha steakhouses and he always orders it rare. But no one bought his explanation that he was being mooed. USA Today reports the number of U.S. government salaries over a hundred thousand dollars annually skyrocketed last year. No wonder people compete for these jobs. Once you get your feet up on the desk in the morning the heavy work of the day is done. President Obama enlisted the aid of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush to help him raise relief supplies and money for Haiti. This should really help. There’s no problem so immense that an invasion or a sex scandal can’t distract everybody from it. Danny Glover said Haiti’s quake happened because the Earth was angry there was no climate deal in Copenhagen. Don’t blame Earth. When you’ve been ruled by the English-speaking people for four centuries, you just naturally take it out on French colonies. Pat Robertson said Haiti’s quake occurred because the Haitians once made a deal with the Devil. The Devil had nothing to do with the earthquake. He’s been way too busy programming NBC’s late-night schedule and arranging dates for Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods reportedly checked himself into a sex rehab located in Hattiesburg Friday. What a place for a sex rehab. The female students at Southern Mississippi are so gorgeous that Fox News operates a minor league club there just to sign them all. Homeland Security responded to charges of laxity Friday by beefing up security at the White House and on Capitol Hill. The barbed wire seems to be working. In the last week not one Republican has made it inside the health care bill negotiations. Bill Clinton urged Democrats Friday to pass the health care reform bill and to ignore questions of its constitutionality. It includes the computerization of every American’s health care records. Expecting the government to keep your health care records confidential is like hiring a Peeping Tom to install your window shades. President Obama cut a deal with Big Labor Thursday which exempts union workers from the Cadillac tax on high-cost health care plans. Detroit automakers are just flattered that the best health care plans are nicknamed Cadillac policies. They could have nicknamed them Mercedes policies but everybody knows they’re not that good. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.20.10

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