Argus Hamilton
Posted: Thursday, January 21, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? Massachusetts voters sent Scott Brown to the U.S. Senate Tuesday, launching a new GOP star on the national stage. When he was twenty-two years old he posed nude for Cosmo. Scott Brown ran on his record as a pioneer in airport screening technology. President Obama and Bill Clinton and George W. Bush stood together in the Rose Garden Saturday. They took turns at the microphone acting impressive. All that was missing was the bachelorette who has to choose between three men who think they’re God. Mark McGwire apologized for steroid use, saying he wished he had never played in the Steroid Era. He’s got a point. If he’d only played ten years earlier in the Cocaine Era he wouldn’t have six hundred home runs, he’d have six hundred stolen bases. Conan O’Brien’s contract was bought out by NBC on Friday. They paid him forty million dollars to go away quietly. The money sounds nice until the bank refuses to take the forty million because they are afraid it’ll come with executive pay caps. In Touch Weekly paid Sarah Palin and her daughter Bristol one hundred thousand dollars for this week’s cover story in which Bristol announced she’s a born-again virgin. There’s no point to it. Her mother is never going to let her date a terrorist. Los Angeles officials listed survival tips in case we get hit by a Haiti-sized earthquake. It’s wise to remove heavy objects from nightstands and headboards. Our last earthquake hit late at night and three people were killed by their Golden Globes. President Obama wasted no time rushing supplies to Haiti for earthquake relief. The clock’s ticking. He must stress the urgency of this disaster before Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declares that the building codes worked. Hillary Clinton arrived in Haiti Saturday, bringing supplies for the U.S. Embassy employees. She brought water for Haitians, ready-to-eat meals for the military and toiletries for the staff. Now that she knows she can’t run for president on health care reform she’s just shaking hands and handing out free stuff. House and Senate Democrats continued negotiating health care reform Friday and agreed to exempt the Amish. The Amish are said to be prosperous but there’s no way to verify it. When you don’t drive a car nobody can tell how much money you make. The CDC said Saturday only one out of every five Americans has been vaccinated for swine flu. People are rebelling. They’ve been stuck by their mortgage lenders, stuck by their credit card companies and stuck by the taxman, and Americans are out of veins. President Obama said Saturday he’s confident that Congress will pass his proposed tax against successful banks. Every week he threatens a different industry. He has created so many jobs for lobbyists the Everglades can’t shoe them all. JP Morgan Chase stunned Wall Street, reporting three billion in earnings in the fourth quarter and twelve billion for the past year. Under the worst possible circumstances the chairman has turned things around and righted the ship. He has to have extra security around his home to keep people from drafting him for president. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.21.10
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Argus Hamilton
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