Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The White House began leaking excerpts of Wednesday’s State of the Union speech to Congress. The president begins the speech by saying the state of the union is strong. It’s always best to start off with a joke that gets the crowd on your side. The White House caved in to ABC’s Lost fans and agreed not to schedule the State of the Union during the season premiere. We’re a nation obsessed. Republicans are so hooked on Twenty-Four that they believe Barack Obama is our second black president. Los Angeles residents were awed by a tornado which swept off the ocean last Tuesday and flooded the port city of San Pedro. Nobody had ever seen spinning funnel clouds over the West Coast. Teddy Kennedy was buried in Virginia so it couldn’t have been him. Massachusetts elected Republican Scott Brown senator Tuesday, despite his once posing nude for Cosmo. It’s what pushed him over the top. These are scary times and Americans are looking for somebody who’ll lead them through airport body scanners proud and smiling. Scott Brown’s Senate win fueled speculation that Red Sox star Curt Schilling may run against John Kerry in two years. The pitcher won the World Series for Boston while his ankle bled through his socks, trusting it would clot eventually. Curt Schilling has never run for office and today he’s the author of the GOP health care plan. President Obama’s daughters and Bo greeted White House visitors Wednesday. It was the day after Massachusetts. The president wanted child protective services and animal welfare to know that there’d been no casualties upstairs the night before. Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defied the U.S. demand to halt their nuclear program. He’s a dead man walking. We now know if President Obama wants to get rid of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad he doesn’t need to bomb him, he just needs to campaign for him. Archaeology Today reports that newfound manuscripts suggest the Bible was written centuries earlier than previously thought, sparking controversy. You can’t please everyone. Jesus turned the water into wine and the Baptists turned it back into water. President Obama proposed nationalizing the student loan program Thursday. He’s always going for the history books. Under President Obama’s leadership, America could be the first country in the history of the world to directly subsidize binge drinking. Tiger Woods checked into a Mississippi sex rehab Monday where he’s begun making amends. He gave three million dollars to Haiti. That’s one million for earthquake victims and two million to blunt the criticism that none of his mistresses were black. Tennessee former coach and USC’s new coach Lane Kiffin was under investigation Thursday for drinking with female students last summer during a car wreck. He’ll never get extradited to Knoxville. Los Angeles plans to trade him to France for Roman Polanski. UC Santa Barbara did a study of women which showed that blondes are more aggressive and ambitious than brunettes or redheads. They also found blondes less likely to get into fights, because they protect their looks. The study itself is the first sign that the country’s obsession with Fox News anchors has moved from sexual to clinical. In Touch’s issue with Sarah Palin and daughter Bristol on the cover was a sales flop on Monday. The editors leaked that Bristol said she’s celibate, and nobody bought the issue. This is why Cosmo never does a cover story called Ten Tips for Better Celibacy. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.26.10

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