Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama will give his State of the Union speech tonight to a joint session of Congress in the House of Representatives. Precautions were taken. Two Chicago politicians will be kept out of the chamber in case of a catastrophe to assure continuity of government. Osama bin Laden released a tape Sunday warning of new planned al-Qaeda attacks on the U.S. His son just wrote a tell-all book revealing that Osama was a cruel father. In the bin Laden house, if you didn’t eat all your infidels, you didn’t get dessert. Brett Favre went down fighting with the New Orleans Saints on Sunday. We haven’t seen the last of the big guy. Brett Favre’s annual retirement is America’s most beloved soap opera now that CBS has canceled the Guiding Light and As the World Turns. Queen Elizabeth announced plans Friday to speak before the U.N. General Assembly in New York. She’ll be in town on legal business anyway. The U.S. is considering having its name legally changed to Colonies R Us in an apparent effort to evade creditors. China shut down the nation’s number-one condom factory Thursday. State quality inspectors caught workers cutting costs by using animal fat for latex lubricant. It’s the first Trojan scandal in ten years that doesn’t involve recruiting violations. The Mars orbiter sent back photos Tuesday showing that Mars once had lakes and rivers as well as ice on its south pole. It satisfies the natural curiosity. Americans want to know if there’s life on Mars, and if there is, if John Edwards is the father. Tiger Woods was photographed in a sex addiction rehab clinic in Hattiesburg on Thursday. There’s a good reason he chose the clinic in Mississippi. There’s still a tunnel from the Underground Railroad there and he’s smuggling in blondes from Canada. The Atlantic Monthly reported Friday there are organized movements in thirteen states to secede from the United States. The word is starting to get around. Every time NASA does a countdown at Cape Canaveral, people think they’re reading the list of states that are still in the Union. President Obama offered himself as a champion of Main Street Thursday. He went after banks, insurance companies, Big Oil and big corporations. Last week he created a thousand jobs, but not everyone is qualified to pilot a ferry to the Cayman Islands. The Dow Jones fell four hundred points Thursday and Friday after President Obama announced his plan for financial regulation. He wants to slap a tax on banks, limit the size of banks, and restrict the business of banks. Democrats believe it’s a refreshing change to have a president who deliberates long and hard before he makes a God-awful decision. Nancy Pelosi said Thursday she doesn’t have enough votes in the House to pass the Senate health care reform bill. Democrats have to find a way to pass something. Gridlock just gives everybody more time to sit in the car and listen to Rush Limbaugh. Senator John Cornyn told Fox News Sunday that Republicans have excellent ideas for health care reform. It could save taxpayers trillions. Under the Republican health care plan, people with no insurance will be allowed to keep their current plan. The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that corporations have the same right to buy campaign ads as political action groups and individuals do. The ruling will allow corporations to attack politicians just the way politicians attack corporations. Americans haven’t rooted this hard for a scoreless tie since the Iran-Iraq War. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.27.10

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