Argus Hamilton
Posted: Thursday, January 28, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? China tested a missile designed to disable U.S. military satellites Monday while Chinese Army hackers toiled away to crash U.S. military computers. They have no defense against our most potent weapon. If they declare war, we declare Chapter Eleven. President Obama proposed a freeze on federal discretionary spending Tuesday. It won’t apply to spending on national defense, Medicare, Medi-caid, Social Security and stimulus packages. It’s just like quitting drinking except for beer, wine and tequila. President Obama was treated politely by Congress during his State of the Union Thursday. He still has the power to make or break any Democrat in the chamber. If anyone doesn’t support his agenda, he’ll go into their district and campaign for them. President Obama was criticized by both liberals and conservatives unhappy over the federal spending freeze he proposed to Congress Tuesday. It’s not set in stone. The spending freeze has an exception for emergencies, national disasters and Nebraska. Brett Favre drew sixty million viewers to watch the Vikings lose the NFC title in overtime Sunday. Now comes the retirement drama. It’s such an annual event that most Americans believe the Trail of Tears led from Green Bay to New York to Minnesota. Tiger Woods was reported Monday to be residing in his own villa at a Hattiesburg sex rehab instead of in the patient dorm. This place is in deepest Mississippi. They almost kicked Tiger out when they found out he’s not related to any of his mistresses. Pablo Picasso’s The Actor was torn up Monday when a woman in New York’s Museum of Art lost her balance and fell into the canvas. It didn’t have to happen. Normally if you want to tear up an actor you just tell him you’ve decided to cast somebody younger. Colorado’s Nazi Party purchased the right Monday to participate in the state’s highway clean-up program. The Nazis will maintain one mile of a road right next to one mile of the road which is maintained by the Southern Baptists. With this much singing up along the highway, the litter just picks up and goes of its own accord. President Obama was caught Friday reading a speech to a grade-school class off two TelePrompters. He was right to take precautions. President Bush used to read to grade-schoolers right out of the storybook and it just attracted al-Qaeda attacks. President Obama gave his State of the Union address to Congress Wednesday. He is under siege. The day before, Toyota recalled its new Obama model because the car takes off too fast and then stalls out, and it won’t stop looking at itself in the vanity mirror. Focus on the Family shot a Super Bowl ad with Tim Tebow and his mom. She tells how she was ill while pregnant with Tim but refused a doctor’s order to abort him. The sonogram indicated that he would beat the doctor’s alma mater four years in a row. Sandra Bullock won another Best Actress Award for her role as an evangelical Christian woman in The Blind Side. This is unfamiliar territory for movie stars. George Clooney turned down The Oral Roberts Story when he learned it wasn’t a gay role. Senator Harry Reid announced Tuesday there’s no rush on health care reform and said Democrats aren’t working on it. Pretty slick. These guys who were teenagers in the Fifties are experts at hitting the brakes just before the car goes over the cliff. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.28.10
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Argus Hamilton
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