Argus Hamilton on NWTNTODAY.COM

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? CBS refused a Super Bowl ad for ManCrunch which shows two men watching the game when their hands touch in a potato chip bowl. It ignites them to kiss. The Super Bowl has taught us that beer makes you sexy but it’s not going to teach us that potato chips make you gay. Osama bin Laden issued a statement Friday in which he blamed the United States for global warming. He urged the entire world to boycott U.S. goods and to bring the American economy to a halt. Americans were just happy to hear it wasn’t already there. NBC reported Monday the network will lose a quarter billion dollars during the Winter Olympics. It’s an accounting maneuver. The Winter Games will make money but a quarter billion is what it costs NBC to lay off ten talk show hosts at market rates. The PGA Tour arrives in Los Angeles for the Northern Trust Open at the Riviera Country Club Thursday. The stars all turn out. Warren Beatty’s new biography says he slept with twelve thousand women, making him the second-ranked golfer in the world. Tom Watson criticized Tiger Woods for his sexual misbehavior Friday, saying he must make amends and show humility when he returns. He added that Tiger’s swearing and club-throwing projects the wrong image for golf. He’s right, this isn’t ladies’ tennis. The National Civil Rights Museum opened in Greensboro Monday. It displays an old two-sided Coke machine, one side for whites, one for blacks. They should bring it back for the obesity epidemic, one side for Diet Coke and one side for Full Strength. President Obama drew fire Thursday for not mentioning terrorism in the State of the Union speech. He’s well aware of the threat. It takes him an hour to board Air Force One because his middle name keeps popping up on the no-fly list. Speaker Nancy Pelosi was revealed Friday to have spent a hundred thousand dollars on booze and snacks aboard Air Force jets in the last two years. She lives better than the average voter. She’s got the last plane in America that still serves peanuts. House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn said Friday he doesn’t trust the Senate and called it the House of Lords for stalling social progress. Episcopalians and Methodists fear what’s coming next. Once progressives get rid of the Lords’ veto, fox hunting is next. President Obama refused to attend the fun-filled annual Alfalfa Club dinner in Washington Saturday. There’s no one left to write gags for him. He killed all his joke writers when he put them to work drafting the health care plan and the jobs bill. The White House canceled moon missions Friday despite scientists’ urging that we must colonize other planets. President Obama isn’t buying it. It’s bad enough we’re running the show in Haiti but if we start colonizing other planets, he’s going to have to apologize to the British Empire for all the mean things he said growing up. Tony Blair testified Friday to the British panel of inquiry about how Britain got pulled into Iraq. He said he didn’t sign a pact in blood with President Bush to invade Iraq. A DNA test of the signatures would show that the deal was with Cheney. The White House responded to New York City’s concerns Friday and began searching for another location for the trial of Khalid Sheik Muhammed. They don’t want to turn Manhattan into one giant airport security check line. Mayor Rudy Giuliani got the naked people out of Times Square ten years ago and people don’t want to go backwards. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.2.10