Argus Hamilton

OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Oklahoma celebrates its 100th anniversary today. It became a territory 170 years ago when Andrew Jackson defeated the Five Tribes and moved them there from Georgia. This is the only war America ever fought where the loser got the oil land.
The Writers Guild continued picketing Hollywood movie studios for a new contract this week. The studios’ first concern is to maintain good relations with the most creative minds in Hollywood. They’d never do anything to offend the accountants.
Mitt Romney increased his lead in the latest Gallup Poll for the Republican nomination for president. He campaigned in New Hampshire last week by going door to door. Being a Mormon was not challenging enough, now he’s a Jehovah’s Witness.
Condoleezza Rice went on the Sunday talk shows with no news of any Middle East peace progress. Her job is to improve America’s ranking in the world. Germany remains No. 1 in the poll despite the last two losses, due to their strength of schedule.
Mitt Romney kidded a New Hampshire couple Monday about the huge leaves on their tree, saying those leaves would have made Adam and Eve look less promiscuous. Now that’s conservative. Adam and Eve were the only people on Earth at the time and Mitt Romney thinks they were promiscuous.
Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal bought his own jumbo airliner on Sunday. When Muslims are off the ground they are free to violate their religion’s strict ban on the use of alcohol. Protestants get the same waiver the moment they land in Las Vegas.
Washington D.C. hosted a UFO convention Monday made up of people who have either seen alien spaceships or believe they exist. It’s no longer cute. We used to laugh at these people who saw things that didn’t exist until they got us into a war in Iraq.
Hillary Clinton led the field of Democratic presidential candidates who met for a debate last night in front of an audience in Las Vegas. Everybody ought to come to Las Vegas just once in their lives. It’s like being Bill Clinton for a day.
U.S. Judge Henry Kennedy ordered the White House Monday to preserve copies of all its e-mails. Two groups are suing over the disappearance of five million e-mails. If anyone won the Nigerian lottery, the American people have a right to know about it.
The Russian Navy rushed to rescue capsized oil tankers in the Black Sea this week after they were wrecked by 20-foot waves. Officials said one thousand tons of oil spilled into the Black Sea. Until the invention of the automobile it was known as the Blue Sea.
Nancy Pelosi flew to San Francisco Monday where she slammed the U.S. Coast Guard over the 60,000-gallon oil spill. She’s angry they didn’t notify the city when the spill occurred. Ever since the Coast Guard was folded into the Homeland Security Department they’ve been instructed that anything involving oil is Top Secret.
Pope Benedict announced he will fly to the United States from Rome in April to meet with President Bush at the White House. The pope wants to lobby the American leader for peace. He just figured out that in alphabetical order, Italy is after Iran.
The New England Patriots dismissed Don Shula’s suggestion that their won-lost record this year should have an asterisk next to it for cheating. All they did was illegally videotape the opposing New York Jets for the first five plays of their first game. It’s not really cheating in New York until Rudy Giuliani’s wife changes the locks.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.16.07

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