OKLAHOMA CITY —Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel reported snow on the ground in forty-nine states Friday for the first time ever. It’s a winter nobody will forget. Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his book on global warming and now it’s up for the Pulitzer Prize in Fiction.
President Obama blamed the Bush administration for the deficit Thursday. He also blamed them for unemployment and recession. Last night in Washington D.C. President Obama stood up at a recovery meeting and admitted that George W. Bush is an alcoholic.
Bill Clinton returned home Friday after he underwent a stent procedure to open his arteries hours after he felt chest discomfort. His doctor said it wasn’t a result of his lifestyle. Jealous husbands don’t have the means to clog your arteries.
Donald Trump revealed Friday he may bid for the construction contract to build and own the new World Trade Center. This is bad news for al-Qaeda. Any airliner would have to hit the building pretty low or it would never make it through the hair.
Maryland grocery stores reported food shortages Friday because delivery trucks were snowbound. The campaign against childhood obesity is off to a roaring start. The kids in Maryland are just trying to hang on until the Care packages arrive from Haiti.
The Pentagon conducted a test last week and shot a missile out of the sky with a laser beam for the first time in history. So much for the Russians and China. Now if we can just develop the nerve to profile Muslims at the airport we’re finally safe.
The Washington Post reported Friday that Khalid Sheik Muhammed may be tried by a military court after all instead of getting a criminal trial in New York. New Yorkers angrily oppose a trial in Manhattan. If the president wants to be reelected he can’t afford to lose New York, not after he lost California by insulting our Toyotas.
The GOP establishment will unveil the Mount Vernon Statement at a conservative conference in Washington today. This is a statement of principle written by the old-line party graybeards. They called it the Mt. Vernon statement so the Tea Party activists will support it thinking it’s named after Elvis Presley’s father.
Dan Quayle announced on Fox News Friday that his son will run for U.S. Congress from Arizona. This is proof beyond doubt that God watches out for comedians. On the same day that Teddy Kennedy’s son gets out of politics, Dan Quayle’s son gets in.
Congressman Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island announced he’s leaving Congress at age forty-two after sixteen years on Capitol Hill. He’s the last Kennedy in public office. His grandpa Joe Kennedy was so rich he financed his son Jack’s campaign for president because the race track wouldn’t take a bet large enough to interest him.
ATF agents launched a manhunt Friday for three people suspected of burning 10 churches. The federal agents know just one thing. The churches that were burned are all mainline Protestant churches, so the president was never in any danger.
A judge in Haiti recommended releasing ten Idaho Baptists jailed for transporting Haitian kids. They need to wrap this up. If this becomes a confrontation between Baptists and the practitioners of Voodoo, nobody’s going to watch the Winter Olympics.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.17.10