Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Texas U.S. Congressman Charlie Wilson was fondly eulogized as a ladies man after he died last week. He always said if he’s ever caught with his pants down he won’t blame booze and he won’t suddenly find Jesus. They don’t make golfers like that anymore.
President Obama joked in Las Vegas Friday that he cut the deficit in half last night at poker by drawing a flush on the river. It fell flat. The environmentalists heard that he was flushing on the river and now he is in trouble with the Sierra Club.
The UN’s nuclear watchdog agency warned Thursday that Iran is likely working on a nuclear missile. They’re safe from attack. Iran’s mullahs conduct a nationwide census every five years to find out exactly how many human shields live in the country.
The Pentagon is investigating if Arabic translators in the Army tried to poison the food supply at Fort Jackson in South Carolina. They thought they could poison Southern cooking. The terrorists gave up when they discovered there was no poison known to man that can survive that much animal fat or those fryer temperatures.
Tiger Woods apologized for his adultery Friday, vowing he will embrace Buddhism to aid in his recovery. The staged event was so narcissistic and self-centered it may have backfired. Buddha severed his endorsement deal with Tiger Woods the next day.
The PGA headquarters in Florida hosted Tiger Woods’ televised apology to his trusted friends on Friday. He issued his declaration and refused to take questions. The question is, if Tiger Woods’ mother is from Thailand, how did he become North Korean?
Spike TV announced Friday it will air a sitcom about a golf pro whose sidekick is a Hispanic caddie named Tiger who’s a sex addict. There isn’t really going to be a TV show. It’s just that producers will look for any excuse to audition porn stars.
Dick Cheney brought down the house with his speech Tuesday to the conservative conference in Washington D.C. It let him release a lot of frustration. He’s watched every Olympic event this past week and he has yet to see them snowboard one terrorist.
Michelle Obama promoted her healthy foods initiative on Saturday in a Fox News interview with Mike Huckabee. She said she and the president like to play the board game Sorry with their daughters. They can’t play Monopoly because it upsets the unions.
South Carolina state representative Mike Pitts moved to take the state off the dollar and place state currency on the gold standard. He points out the state’s sovereignty under the Tenth Amendment permits the move. At the rate things are going President Obama’s next bipartisan panel will be half-Union and half-Confederacy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.23.10

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