Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Newt Gingrich was cheered like Rocky Balboa when he walked onstage to speak to conservatives convening in Washington Saturday. What a roar. As he walked to the stage the orchestra played Eye of the Tiger and fifteen mistresses came out of the woodwork.
Tiger Woods received a barrage of bad reviews after his televised apology to the nation for his serial womanizing. The public has seen a lot better. Richard Nixon looked more relaxed when he resigned office and he looked a lot more remorseful.
The National Enquirer submitted its reporting on John Edwards to the Pulitzer Prize committee Monday. The submission was accepted. The Pulitzer is the second highest prize in all journalism just after the Hunter Thompson Award for Outstanding Bar Tabs.
President Obama proposed a health care bill Monday. It adds taxes, which angers conservatives, and it has no public option, which enrages liberals. One thing we’ve learned is that you can’t survive having problems with your accelerator and brakes simultaneously.
Toyota president Akio Toyoda changed his mind Friday and agreed to testify in Congress about Toyota’s safety before the House Oversight Committee. He spent all last week preparing to testify. He can now hold his breath underwater for two minutes.
Ron Paul won a presidential poll at the conservative conference in Washington last week thanks to the youth vote. He’s got college kids believing in liberty, low taxes, and small government. Liberal professors are alarmed and calling for a crackdown on binge thinking on campus.
Harry Reid argued for his jobs bill on the Senate floor Monday, saying men tend to become abusive toward women when they’re out of work. That’s totally ridiculous. O.J. drew a steady paycheck from his first semester at USC until the day he was arrested.
USC testified to the NCAA Friday about a house provided for Reggie Bush’s family and cash he got in college. No one will ever find any written evidence of the house lease or cash payments. They are hidden under an encyclopedia at the Kardashian house.
Bill Clinton went on Fox News Monday to warn that dysentery could break out in Haiti due to a lack of bathrooms and plumbing. He’s been asked to help upgrade their sanitation. Who better to set up outhouses than the former governor of Arkansas.
Al-Qaeda’s Najibullah Zazi told a N.Y. court Monday he was recruited in Pakistan by al-Qaeda ten years ago to bomb New York subways. It required explosives then. This was years before you could crash any train by flirting with the engineer via text message.
ACORN dissolved itself as a national organization Monday, instructing state and local chapters to set up independently under new names. They couldn’t get away with that in Hollywood. Screen Actors Guild rules would never allow someone like Heidi Fleiss to simply change her name to Shirley Jones hoping that the feds lose interest.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.24.10

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