Posted: Friday, February 26, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House was accused of bashing Toyota Monday because the U.S. government owns GM. This could all work out. If we can just get Japan mad enough at us to attack Pearl Harbor, it could pull us out of the Great Depression for the second time.
Toyota executives were dragged over the coals by the House Oversight Committee in Congress Wednesday. They were forced to answer questions about over-acceleration and brake failures. All the executives agreed to go to sex rehab and try to do better.
John Daly signed to do commercials for Slix Closer boxer short men’s underwear Monday. He didn’t only make money on the endorsement. He also won a bet that there is at least one white, blonde, big-chested underwear model that Tiger Woods won’t date.
Winter Olympics officials were petitioned Tuesday to make pole dancing a sport in the next Winter Games. It would be pretty boring to watch. The judges would be required to sit at least six feet away and never give the competitors more than a 10.
Sen. Jim Inhofe demanded Al Gore be called before Congress for perpetrating a global warming hoax on the country. He’ll never apologize. Al Gore can always argue the U.S. Supreme Court robbed him of the presidency and the country had it coming.
President Obama dropped the tax on botox shots from Monday’s health care proposal but he kept the tax on tanning booths. They both run up health care costs. Tanning booth rays cause skin cancer and botox could cause young men to die from cougar bites.
San Franciscans debated a bill to rename Mount Diablo after Ronald Reagan. The bill was rejected Tuesday. The devil’s victory over Ronald Reagan in San Francisco reversed the recent string of liberal losses and gives the Democrats hope for November.
President Obama campaigned for Democrats in Nevada Friday. He told a town hall that it’s up to Democrats in America to keep hope alive. This kind of mush doesn’t appeal to Republicans, they have enough trouble just keeping Dick Cheney alive.
Dick Cheney rested comfortably Monday after he survived a heart scare. Al-Qaeda hates this guy. He came up with the legal argument that as long as terrorists are being held on Fidel Castro’s island, everything’s legal under the When in Rome defense.
The White House revealed Monday that nine of the president’s Justice Department appointees once represented detainees in Guantanamo. It just never ends. The Obama administration won’t stop until Khalid Sheik Muhammed is tried in front of an L.A. jury.
The Los Angeles Police bomb squad found an unexploded Civil War cannon ball in the Hollywood Hills. You can’t make it up. Not five years after the first wave of German immigrants came to America, somebody developed an intercontinental cannon ball.
The Netherlands pulled their soldiers out of Afghanistan Monday, ignoring pleas from the U.S. to stay. It’s a curious decision. You would think the Dutch would stay in Afghanistan and destroy the poppy crops, if just to protect Heineken’s market share.
Vancouver residents got rave reviews for their Olympic hospitality. They love to give directions. They say if you see the mountains you’re facing north, if you see the ocean you’re facing west, if your car just got stolen you’re in Surrey to the east, and if you see people without health care waving handguns, you’re in the States.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.26.10