Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Japan’s media accused the U.S. Congress of unfairly bashing Toyota executives on Wednesday. Overall Japan broke even for the day. They kill a lot of people on U.S. roads by making Toyotas but they save a lot of lives at SeaWorld by harpooning whales.
Toyota’s president Akio Toyoda was subjected to a brutal grilling by Democrats in Congress Wednesday. His composure was remarkable. He did very well considering this was the first time he ever appeared before the board of a rival car manufacturer.
Toyota officials told Congress they are working to fix the sticky accelerators and brake problems. They knew about the problem in Japan and they fixed it, they knew about the problem in Europe and they fixed it. An American car won’t admit it has a problem until somebody hits it with a golf club and it starts to lose endorsements.
SeaWorld in Orlando shut down on Wednesday after a killer whale leaped out of the water and killed the trainer as the audience watched in horror. These things happen in show business. Nobody ever paid a nickel to watch Casper the Friendly Whale.
ABC News president David Westin announced the firing of 300 ABC News employees. He said the remaining 800 news staffers will have to multi-task now. Diane Sawyer will read the evening news and make coffee for the executives.
The White House began planning to set up a headquarters in Chicago for the campaign to re-elect President Obama. That’s news. Last week he told ABC News he’d rather be a good one-term president than a mediocre two-term president but apparently he’s changed his mind.
Superman’s debut in Action Comics drew a $1 million bid on Monday. It came out 72 years ago. Today parents have to explain to children what a phone booth is and children explain to parents why a flying man in tights isn’t interested in Lois Lane.
Archaeology Today reported the discovery of an ancient wall in Jerusalem built by King Solomon. He was hugely popular. King Solomon had hundreds of mistresses and wives but he got away with it because he never told his sponsors he was monogamous.
Charlie Sheen checked into rehab Thursday with four episodes of Two and a Half Men still left to shoot for CBS this season. The actor has an ironclad deal regarding his production schedule. If shooting goes a minute overtime he gets paid time and a fifth.
Tiger Woods checked into a new clinic in Arizona Monday. He went to a rehab in Mississippi to treat his sex addiction, then to Arizona to deal with his prescription drug use. After that he goes to New York City where his next apology opens off-Broadway.
The White House backed a bill Friday giving ethnic Hawaiians a share of public lands if they can prove their pure Hawaiian blood. It’s crazy. Why on earth would President Obama back a bill that forces every Hawaiian to produce a birth certificate?
Ole Miss got rid of Mississippi’s Rebels nickname Tuesday after they’d replaced the Plantation Owner mascot. Not all the Confederacy’s ideas turned out to be bad. Here in the middle of a swine flu epidemic everyone wants their own drinking fountain.
The White House invited Republicans to a health care summit Thursday even though Democrats plan to use a 51-vote reconciliation process called the nuclear option to pass reform without them. It won’t end there. If Democrats think reconciliation is the nuclear option just wait until South Carolina explains nullification to them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.1.10

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