Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Team Canada won the Olympic gold medal in hockey in Vancouver Sunday, defeating Team USA in an overtime thriller for the ages. No one has ever seen a happier home crowd. In Canada prescription drugs are so affordable that everybody is on Paxil.
Tiger Woods threatened to sue animal-welfare group PETA after they tried to put his photo on billboards saying Too Much Sex Can Be a Bad Thing. It’s obviously not a real endorsement. It would be like putting Dick Cheney’s picture on a Christmas card saying Peace on Earth.
Hawaiians headed for the hills Friday after news channels warned that a killer tsunami was coming. The wave was three feet high but it left quite a crowd on the beach. Whales can talk and the word had to be out that there’s an opening at SeaWorld.
The Massachusetts Assembly was asked Monday by the Association for the Intellectually Challenged to outlaw the word retard. The advocates don’t want the words retard or retarded used publicly in the Bay State. The acceptable term is non-Harvard.
Jay Leno returned to his late-night ratings war with Dave Letterman Monday. Jay booked Sarah Palin and Dave booked Mitt Romney. Johnny Carson started the tradition of only booking handsome leading men and ditzy actresses when he needed great ratings.
The Weather Channel reported winter records due to El Nino Monday. There’s record cold in the East, record warm in the Northwest, and record rain in L.A., and forget about the South. It’s the first time the Daytona 500 was run with chains on the tires.
The California Assembly passed a measure Friday declaring this week to be Cuss-Free Week in California. The timing was terrible. They declared this on a week when twenty people were nominated for an Academy Award and thirty million people weren’t.
Senator Jim Bunning singlehandedly blocked new unemployment benefits Monday. It was embarrassing to Republicans who were trying to extend people some help in this bad economy. Some of their constituents have been reduced to carrying their own golf bags.
The White House said Monday President Obama will unveil a new slimmed-down health care reform bill today. No one believes the bill will stay slim for long. We’ve all seen what happened to Kirstie Alley and Chris Berman after they cashed the checks.
President Obama underwent his annual physical Saturday and afterwards the doctor lectured the president on smoking cigarettes and advised him to moderate his alcohol use. It’s not Obama’s fault. Every time he picks up a glass of water it changes into wine.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton embarked Monday upon a five-day trip to South America where she’ll meet with leaders and promote Pan-American goodwill. Hillary’s always had a special place in her heart for things Spanish. She even married Don Juan.
Toyota’s president Akio Toyoda apologized to the House Oversight Committee last week. He was in town anyway. The Washington D.C. Auto Show had just been held at the civic arena and he was there to pay for the hole in the wall left by the new Corollas.
The Rostov Zoo in Russia sent Zhora the chimp to treatment for beer and tobacco addiction. Zoo visitors can’t resist him when he beckons for a smoke or a beer. Next time a killer whale waves his tail at you at SeaWorld, he is not inviting you to hop on for a ride.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.3.10

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