Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Russia’s president Dmitri Medvedev demanded Olympic coaches be fired Monday after a poor showing in Vancouver. They miss the old Soviet system. Nothing’s more effective than a hockey coach who can honestly tell his team that it is shoot or be shot out there.
Tiger Woods checked out of sex rehab and into a drug rehab last week. Sex rehabs turn you into a drug addict, drug rehabs turn you into an alcoholic, and alcohol rehabs turn you back into a sex addict. America can power windmills with this kind of energy.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was revised Thursday, sixteen years after its last edition. It defines narcissistic personality disorder as a physical disability. Now everyone in Los Angeles is entitled to handicapped parking.
USA Today said El Nino left record rainfall in Los Angeles this winter. We got more rain than Colombia. The foreclosure crisis is behind us now that the front lawn of every vacant home in Beverly Hills can grow enough coca bushes to pay the mortgage.
Jerry Brown announced Tuesday he will run for California governor in November. He was governor in the Seventies. Whenever there are high gas prices, tensions with Iran and a drug epidemic, Jerry Brown returns to the governor’s office like the swallows to Capistrano.
Parliament’s Daniel Hannon founded the British Tea Party Friday to lower taxes and reduce government. Smaller government is a bad idea there. How many tourists are going to fly to London to see the Changing of the Guard outside the Queen’s condo unit?
Charlie Rangel refused to step down Monday after being admonished by the House Ethics Committee. The chairman said what he did was not unethical. When a Democrat secretly accepts Caribbean trips from wealthy corporations it’s called bipartisanship.
Nancy Pelosi was told by pollsters Monday there’s a very real chance Democrats could lose control of the House to Republicans. Under Pelosi’s leadership no landmark progressive social legislation has been passed. She should be preserved in amber.
President Obama’s annual physical Saturday resulted in the doctor advising him to try to drink moderately. It’s a measure of the anger in the country. He has to host six beer summits each day just to keep his approval rating over forty percent.
New York Governor David Paterson said he won’t seek re-election. He’s condoned graft in the governor’s office, casual drug use, and sex between co-workers. About the only thing you can say for his administration is that no one is ever late to work.
Toyota recalled a hundred and twenty-eight thousand oil hoses Monday. So now it’s the breaks, the accelerators, the electronics, and the cars are leaking oil. The Japanese thought it would be impolite to build a car where everything works but the driver.
Reverend Louis Farrakhan spoke to four hundred thousand Black Muslims Saturday in Chicago. He said people are conspiring to make Obama a one-term president. He said he’s tired of playing the white man’s game, but why bring hockey into this?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.04.10

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