Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York madam Kristin Davis announced Monday she will run for governor. She’s promised to legalize prostitution. The way lawmakers have been screwing the taxpayers it was inevitable that someone would step up and demand a cut for arranging it.
The Winter Olympics reportedly scored near-record ratings for NBC in the last two weeks. Only one Winter Olympics drew more viewers. If Olympic medals were given to athletes who draw the best ratings, Tonya Harding would still be on a box of Wheaties.
Washington motorist Roy Messenger crashed into a power pole Monday. While he was waiting for help to arrive he urinated on a live wire and got electrocuted. He is the first conductor to be killed all year who wasn’t text messaging at the time.
Pamela Anderson was selected to be a celebrity contestant on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars this fall. It will be great to see her again. Several years ago she had breast reduction surgery, a procedure that is better known in Hollywood as retirement.
Tiger Woods won a CBS poll of womanizers Americans are most likely to forgive. He outpolled Charlie Sheen, John Edwards and Roman Polanksi. CBS wanted to put him in a match-up he could win to help him get his confidence back in time for the Masters.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry easily won the GOP primary for governor Tuesday. He conducted an old-fashioned campaign right out of the playbook of John C. Calhoun. He put up no yard signs, he made no robo calls, and he hinted at secession.
President Obama got a physical at Bethesda Hospital Saturday. He was given a virtual colonoscopy in which the doctors simulate a thorough rectal exam without actually doing one. It’s the same way the House Ethics Committee’s been examining Charlie Rangel.
President Obama said he’ll consider four of the GOP health care ideas. That is news. Until now the only four GOP ideas he’s considered are keep your head still, take the club back low, make a full backswing, then let your hips begin the downswing.
GM announced a sales increase in February as the House continued dragging Toyota over the coals. The lawmakers really beat up on the world’s No. 1 carmaker. If congressmen don’t sell their quota of GM cars by the end of the month, they get fired.
Toyota recalled 900,000 cars Monday to fix leaky oil hoses. It’s a safety issue. With oil at $80 a barrel, unemployed people are chasing after Toyotas with paper cups trying to catch enough to keep their cars running.
Postmaster General John Potter asked Congress to eliminate Saturday mail delivery. It’s an effort to trim postal costs. They say eliminating Saturday delivery will reduce stress on the postal workers, and maybe fewer of them will require anti-psychotic medication.
Hillary Clinton arrived in Chile with earthquake relief supplies Tuesday. She brought generators, home supplies, water purification systems and field hospitals. It was all left over from when she survived the Starr Report without getting indicted.
The Census Bureau angered Americans with census form questions this week. They ask you to state your income. You must answer carefully because if you report an income that’s too low, the government will take away your children, and if it’s too high the government will show up at your door and make you pay your neighbor’s mortgage.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.5.10

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