Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel reported an earthquake hit Taiwan Wednesday. This followed massive quakes in Chile and in Haiti. California is sitting nervously on death row knowing that the governor’s phone was turned off because he couldn’t pay the bill.
The FAA suspended a JFK Airport controller Thursday for letting his little boy direct air traffic from the tower. The kid was a natural on the microphone. Within two days Michael Jackson’s father had signed him to a contract and taken all his money.
The Berlin Zoo may castrate a polar bear to keep him from mating with a female polar bear because she’s his cousin. They said it threatens diversity. Leave it to Germans to determine the difference between white polar bears and white polar bears.
Tiger Woods returned to his Florida home from Arizona Tuesday where he finally began practicing golf. He hasn’t yet announced when he will return to the game which made him internationally famous. It all depends upon his wife’s travel schedule.
The Golf Channel debuted a new reality show called Being John Daly. It follows him as he tries to return to the tour. Last year John Daly was only invited to six tournaments--the Betty Ford, the Meadows, Hazledon, Promises in Malibu and SmokeEnders.
The Smithsonian on Monday rejected the suit that O.J. Simpson wore in court the day he was acquitted of murder. The museum won’t hear of it. They’re afraid that some night the suit will get jealous and attack a first lady’s gown with Jim Bowie’s knife.
President Obama introduced a new health care bill Wednesday flanked by doctors dressed in white lab coats. They smiled and applauded his every word. He’s casting for a new White House doctor after the last one yelled at him for smoking and eating fried food.
President Obama told the country all the wonderful things his health care plan will do for everybody. He sounded like a waiter describing the nightly specials. Everything sounds great but when the check comes you have to burn the restaurant down.
President Obama said Wednesday that the time for talk about health care reform has ended and debate is over. One thing’s for certain. He’ll have a nice audition tape ready for presentation when the job of North Korean dictator is finally open.
Senator Mike Johanns of Nebraska hinted the U.S. should cut off Japanese car imports because Japan won’t buy Nebraska beef. Japan thinks U.S. beef is unsafe, but it isn’t true. Nebraskans who drive off the road cause car wrecks, not the cows they hit.
JP Morgan’s chairman Jamie Dimon said the risk of California defaulting on its debt is bigger than the risk of Greece defaulting on its debt. He’s wrong. The Greeks invented democracy and Calfornia invented fake breasts, which way would you bet?
The Miss America Pageant was dropped by the Learning Channel Monday. There’s no worry. If they can just get the contestants to stop talking about achieving world peace and start talking about winning the War on Terror, Fox News will air the pageant.
GOP Congressman Patrick McHenry of North Carolina said Tuesday he wants Ronald Reagan’s picture to replace Ulysses Grant on the U.S. fifty-dollar bill. You can see where this is going. Ten bucks says a year from now it will be on the Texas one-dollar bill.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.8.10

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