Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
US Airways captain Sully Sullenberger retired last week, a year after landing his airliner safely on the Hudson River. He said he owed it all to good communication with the control tower. He’s just lucky his six-year-old grandson was on duty that day.
Sarah Palin did a stand-up routine on the Tonight Show last Tuesday. They booked her for an interview and stand-up comedy. After the psychiatric profession classifed narcissism as a disability last week, Democrats are required to give her equal access.
Academy Award nominees were ordered not to thank anyone during their acceptance speeches Sunday. It’s no secret why. Hollywood is so liberal that it’s trying to convey the impression that anything good that happens is caused by a government program.
Betty White was named to host Saturday Night Live this year thanks to her hit Super Bowl ad. An eighty-eight-year-old woman now delivers the young male demographic. NBC just annnounced that in five years they are going to replace Jay Leno with Joan Rivers.
The Episcopal Church reunited with the Methodists in England, triggering talks of reunification in the U.S. This would split the Tea Party. Until now, they’ve had to spend all their time fighting socialists, now the monarchists are coming over the hill.
President Obama underwent a virtual colonoscopy procedure during his physical last week. Virtual colonoscopies don’t require sedation but real colonoscopies do. The procedure is administered by a gastroenterologist and occasionally by a choreographer.
Congressman Pete Stark declined to chair the Ways and Means Committee Friday. He’s next in line but there’s too much old videotape of him spewing anti-business and anti-war venom. He could retire on the royalties from his Michael Moore movies alone.
Democratic Congress-man Eric Massa of New York resigned Thursday as allegations surfaced that he sexually harassed a young male staffer. It’s not the first time this has happened. U.S. Congressmen are always anxious to turn the page on this kind of scandal, but turning the pages is what started the scandal in the first place.
President Obama went on America’s Most Wanted Saturday to celebrate the series’ one-thousandth episode. It’s only right. For ten years America’s Most Wanted has helped tracked down criminals and Saturday’s show was devoted to Illinois politicians.
President Obama named a judge to sit on the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals whose brother is a U.S. congressman undecided on his health care reform vote. This came on the heels of the Louisiana, Florida and Nebraska bribes. The electricity bill at the White House has tripled since the Chicago Machine started running in the basement.
President Obama met with ten House Democrats opposed to the health care bill. He did all he could to get their votes. He promised to campaign for them in their districts and when that didn’t work, he threatened to campaign for them in their districts.
Tiger Woods was dropped by Gatorade as its TV commercial spokesman Tuesday. It was the first corporate response to his apology. There’s a lot of money at stake here, and Gatorade doesn’t want credit for the energy lift that broke up his marriage.
Taiwan was hit by an earthquake Wednesday a week afer Chile’s monster quake and two weeks after Haiti’s. The global swarm of earthquakes has Californians nervous. The earth’s tectonic plates are the original example of what goes around comes around.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.9.10

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