Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Oklahoma threw a one-hundredth birthday gala Friday with Reba McIntyre, Carrie Underwood, Toby Keith and Garth Brooks. Anticipation was electric. People spent all day watching the price of oil to see if Oklahoma would shoot its age on its birthday.
Barry Bonds was indicted by a federal grand jury Thursday in the steroid investigation. He could get 30 years in prison. It wasn’t enough to break Hank Aaron’s record for home runs, now he’s going after Scooter Libby’s record for lying and obstruction of justice.
Jack Nicholson said Tuesday he was once offered the chance to buy the New York Yankees. We’re lucky that didn’t happen. Imagine a world where Darryl Strawberry has to tell reporters he’s doing all he can to get the team owner the help he needs.
The NFL widened its players awareness program Monday by adding lectures to all teams about how to avoid trouble in strip clubs. The players like to go there on Sunday nights. It gives wide receivers who had a lousy game one more chance to catch something.
O.J. Simpson sat calmly in court Tuesday at his preliminary hearing in Las Vegas. Why shouldn’t he look calm? Whenever National Geographic airs a special on natural habitats, they show the lion in the jungle, the frog in the rainforest, and O.J. Simpson at the defense table.
Google co-founder Larry Page announced Tuesday that he will marry his girlfriend, Lucy Southworth, next month. He’s worth twenty billion dollars. To safeguard his fortune, he had to get married quickly before Heather Mills McCartney was single again.
Governor Arnold Schwarz-enegger intervened to try to help settle the Writers Strike in Hollywood Tuesday. He’s frantic to get this thing settled. The Los Angeles Times keeps referring to him as a former Hollywood A-lister, and he wants these references out of the newspaper before somebody in show business reads the front page.
President Bush vetoed a health and education funding bill Tuesday. The bill had no chance. The only way American cities are going to get any federal money for health and education is if they change their name to Baghdad and take the hit on property values.
The State Department gave foreign service officers a bit more time to volunteer for duty in Baghdad Tuesday before people start getting fired. These people already realize what it’s like to get shelled. They have season tickets to the Redskins games.
Pakistan’s opposition leader Benazir Bhutto called for Pervez Musharraf to step down Tuesday. It ended the White House dream that they could work together. Dancing With the Stars has had great success pairing up odd couples and teaching them to samba.
Democratic presidential candidates took turns Tuesday blasting the government’s plan to store nuclear waste in Yucca Mountain near Las Vegas. There’s a reason why the White House wants a radioactive mountain in Nevada. President Bush is trying to lure Iranian leaders to Las Vegas so we can wipe them out at the blackjack table.
Bill Clinton caused a storm Monday by telling an audience in Iowa that Hillary can handle herself against the boys. Her campaign assured reporters that the term boys is simply an old Southern slang term. It is, but not for white presidential candidates.
Russian President Vladimir Putin said Tuesday if his party wins big in the next election, it will give him the moral right to stay in power. He’s muzzled the media and taken over the oil industry and runs a security state. Vladimir Putin is a lot like Dick Cheney, except he was taught to shoot by the KGB, so if he hits a lawyer it wasn’t by accident.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger on 11.19.07

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