Posted: Wednesday, March 10, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for Best Actress Sunday one day after she won the Razzie for Worst Actress in another movie. It’s not new. Last year Toyota won Car of the Year from both Car and Driver magazine and the Personal Injury Attorneys Guild.
The Hurt Locker won the Oscar for Best Picture over Avatar Sunday in Hollywood. It wasn’t close. Avatar was a huge hit which used computer animated characters in the movie and actors would rather support the Iraq War than vote themselves out of a job.
Raquel Welch was flying to Chicago to do Oprah’s show Tuesday when her bustier set off the metal detector at the L.A. airport. The danger was very real. If she opens the cockpit door wearing that thing, the pilot will do anything she tells him to do.
Tiger Woods reconciled with his wife Elin in Orlando Friday. He’s amazing. Any guy who can make up with his wife without getting sued for breach of promise by any one of his fifteen mistresses has what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.
Sarah Palin did the Tonight Show in Burbank last week and then pitched a reality show to ABC about her life in Alaska. The network turned it down. This is a nation raised on Rocky and Bullwinkle, we really don’t want to see them in a pot on her stove.
Democratic Congressman Eric Massa said Rahm Emanuel approached him naked in the House shower and yelled at him to back health care. What a circus. Ever since Barney Frank took away the curtains, Democrats have enjoyed the element of surprise in the House shower.
San Diego cops assisted a Prius driver who was stuck going a hundred miles an hour Monday. Californians love this car. Not only can you drive in the carpool lane by yourself in a Prius but you can go a hundred miles an hour with full immunity.
L.A. Airport installed the first full-body scanners in America Saturday. This is a pilot program. They want to start the program in a city where everyone’s bulimic so that the naked bodies on the demo reel will look good in the congressional hearings.
The White House told staffers Monday to ignore all the press stories of palace intrigue in the Washington D.C. newspapers. It’s bad. The president has been spiking everybody’s Diet Cokes with Flomax but so far it hasn’t stopped the continuous leaking.
President Obama’s haircut was described by hair stylists Monday as the Caesar Cut. It copies Julius Caesar, who overthrew the Roman Republic and established a dictatorship. Nobody would have believed two years ago that by 2012, Dick Cheney would be able to run for president as the Middle Way between socialism and oil kingdom.
The White House haggled with moderate Democrats opposed to health care reform Monday. It marked the one-year anniversary of the president’s health care push. A year ago he was promising quality affordable health care for all Americans, and today he’s promising to quit smoking eventually and do something about his cholesterol.
Ben Roethlisberger was accused of sex assault by a college girl Saturday. He’s being sued for rape in another incident. Next time he lunges across the goal line the announcer should think twice before saying that Ben Roethlisberger won’t be denied.
The Texas School Board wrestled with history book content Monday with opposing panels battling over religious references. Some editing is necessary. The Garden of Eden was not in Austin and Joshua did not led the Israelites to victory over Oklahoma.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 3.10.10