Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS  — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
French President Nicolas Sarkozy and first lady Carla Bruni  were reported both carrying on adulterous affairs Tuesday. It’s  sad. The reason newspapers are doing so much better in Europe than  in America is because our national pastime is baseball.
Sprint Cup’s Carl Edwards was suspended Monday for a  reckless crash. He struck another car and sent it into the air at  two hundred mph. It’s what they have to do to sell tickets now  that they’re competing with the excitement of amateurs in Toyotas.
The Academy Awards omitted Farrah Fawcett’s name from their  tribute to stars who died last year. Many are angry. Ryan O’Neal  was so upset by her omission that he propositioned the reporter who asked him for his reaction, thinking it was his daughter.
The White House said Wednesday that passing health care reform will reduce the deficit. Critics say it’d he an expensive cradle-to-grave welfare system just like in France. The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State building after taxes.
Lindsay Lohan sued E-Trade Monday over its talking baby ad starring Milkaholic Lindsay. She said they stole her image. The baby just countersued Lindsay because now the only book they’ll read her in day care is the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Naomi Campbell claimed Wednesday she was heading to Haiti when she disappeared after assaulting her chauffeur. She meant well. She’s going to Haiti to counsel starving people on how they can make malnutrition work for them in the fashion industry.
Congressman Ron Paul denounced the idea of a national ID card to keep illegal aliens from taking American jobs. Don’t think these cards can’t be counterfeited. In America the rights of U.S. citizenship are enshrined but in Mexico they’re laminated.
Senate Democrats ordered staffers not to read the Drudge Report at work Monday, saying it spreads a virus. The Democrats are clueless. It’d be news if just one of them is faithful to their spouses and they think viruses are coming from the Internet.
The House Ethics Committee may continue its ethics investigation into resigned congressman Eric Massa. It’s just so embarrassing. The Ethics Committee investigated him for three months and couldn’t find a trace of ethics on him.
Chief Justice John Roberts slammed President Obama for criticizing the Supreme Court in the State of the Union address. The president showed no respect for the justices. As far as he’s concerned, any government employee who’s not in a union is an enemy of the people.
President Obama flew to St. Louis to deliver his fortieth speech on health care reform Wednesday. He swore it would be his last speech on health care reform. The only they could fill the room is to tell the people something they wanted to hear.
The Dallas Cowboys will allow their old Texas Stadium to be imploded at the push of a button by an eleven-year-old essay winner. It could draw a million people. At the push of the button the stadium will explode and Texas will declare its independence.
The Texas School Board wrestled with history book content along with pitched battles over religious content. It’s dangerous to let an oil state set textbook standards for the whole nation. On the eighth day God did not invent the internal combustion engine.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.15.10

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