HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Selection Sunday left the NCAA basketball tournament without traditional powers Indiana, UCLA and North Carolina invited to play. It’s the new standard in sports. Everybody who cheated on their wives with pancake waitresses is out of the tournament.
Tiger Woods was reported Friday to be planning a return to the PGA Tour at the Masters in Augusta. He’s been practicing but no one knows if he’s ready. Everyone is waiting to see if he can drive three hundred yards without hitting a fire hydrant.
Charlie Sheen was arraigned in Colorado for threatening his wife Monday. Their lawyers are limiting the damage. They’re both going to rehab, then they’re both going to marriage counseling, then they’re both going to Augusta to play in the Masters.
Chicago’s O’Hare Airport installed its first full-body scanner on Tuesday. The city is famous for its pizza, pork ribs, steaks and beer. The TSA screeners can’t be enjoying their job, nobody’s seen this many spare tires since the Firestone recall.
President Obama’s statue in Indonesia was taken down Thursday. The locals were throwing shoes at it. When people in Muslim cultures want to show disrespect they throw shoes at you, while in Protestant cultures they don’t pass your health care bill.
President Obama told an Ohio crowd they’ll get a three thousand dollar raise if health care passes. They all booed the insurance companies on cue and chanted Obama’s name. It’s nice to see that the studio audience from The Jeffersons is working again.
President Obama made a guest appearance on the one-thousandth episode of America’s Most Wanted. This president will do everything he can to get these men captured. He doesn’t want to share the post office wall with anybody else’s picture.
Toyota Motors stunned analysts Friday announcing that the sales of Toyotas rose fifty percent this month. The car fits the nation’s personality. Americans are always trying to get ahead and tests show that if you drive a Toyota you’ll never stop.
Nissan recalled five hundred thousand autos with faulty brakes and fuel gauges Thursday a week after Toyota’s massive recall. It’s out of control. The X-games just removed skateboarding and replaced it with driving a hybrid in the carpool lane.
Matt Damon drew rave reviews for the Green Zone as a U.S. Army officer searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He shared the credit. At the premiere he was very careful to thank the two people who made the movie possible, Bush and Cheney.
Rush Limbaugh declared on his radio show last week that he’ll leave the United States to receive his health care if the ObamaCare plan passes. The doctors in the president’s home state of Hawaii saved his life in December. He had the presence of mind during a heart attack to tell the emergency room nurse he was Nikita Khruschev.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.17.10