Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The L.A. Marathon will have a record number of runners this Sunday. There’ll be twenty-five thousand people running down the street in the same direction. That’s what happens when you start a rumor that the FDIC is shutting down the Bank of America.
Tiger Woods enlisted the aid of public relations advisor Ari Fleischer to help him handle the media Monday. He needs improvement. Tiger’s last press conference was so robotic that TV viewers thought it was an infomercial for a high-tech sex doll.
Lady Gaga released a video Monday in which she and Beyonce gleefully kill their boyfriends by poisoning them. It includes a triumphant dance routine inside a women’s prison. Of course it’s a fantasy, celebrities would never be convicted in Los Angeles.
Parliament heard an environmental report Monday saying that snorting two lines of cocaine destroys four square yards of tropical rainforest. It’s true. During the first season of Saturday Night Live six explorers died of thirst in the Amazon Desert.
The White House vowed to take up immigration reform Friday despite the issue’s divisiveness. No one blames the immigrants. These people risk their lives to cross the dangerous Mexican border in order to achieve the American dream, a government job.
Democratic Party leaders in Washington predicted Monday that by the end of the week they will have the votes for health care reform. They said it will be the law of the land by Friday. They plan to celebrate at the opening ceremony of the Chicago Olympics.
The White House lobbied hard for health care reform on Monday. Their tally was still five short. Rahm Emanuel was naked at Reagan Airport lobbying congressmen trying to leave for Easter recess, and TSA still made him go through airport security.
John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter discussed her adulterous affair with John Edwards in GQ magazine. He’s in big trouble for using campaign donors’ money to support her and keep her quiet. John Edwards always said there are Two Americas, one where people work hard and raise their families and another one where men can be themselves.
Detroit city workers were ordered not to wear any perfume, cologne, aftershave or deodorant to work starting Monday due to a worker’s lawsuit. He had no choice but to sue for huge damages over his fragrance injury. Nobody in Detroit owns a Toyota.
Toyota challenged Prius driver James Sikes’s claims that his Prius ran wild on him on the San Diego Freeway last week. Only one thing rings true. He bought the car based on its ad slogan that Toyota puts the pedal to the metal and keeps it there.
Mattel announced Friday it will offer new Barbie and Ken dolls based on the TV show Mad Men. It’s set in the early Sixties when New York advertising executives drank and smoked and had sex in their offices. The only way you can an attract an audience to watch a workplace drama is to set it during the Kennedy administration.
The Green Zone starring Matt Damon was clobbered by Alice in Wonderland at the box office. It’s odd. If people want fairy tales you can’t beat one which begins by saying once upon a time Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
Attorney General Eric Holder was criticized Monday for failing to reveal briefs he filed for a terror suspect before his confirmation hearings. Like nine other lawyers in the Justice Department, he represented terrorists for free. So the Republicans are wrong when they say that the Obama administration can’t work with the other side.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.18.10

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