Posted: Friday, March 19, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods announced Tuesday he will return to the PGA tour at the Masters in Augusta in April. Bookmakers made him a 4-to-1 favorite. Augusta National Country Club does not allow women so you figure his concentration should be excellent.
Capitol Hill phone lines were jammed by health care reform opponents on Tuesday as debate raged in Congress. It was chaos. The phone lines were so tied up that lawmakers were forced to use their own cell phones to make their NCAA tournament bets.
Jamie McCourt was revealed Monday to be planning to leverage her position as president of the Dodgers to run for U.S. president. It fell through when she got caught cheating. The John Edwards story isn’t even a stage play yet and already there’s a road company.
Toyota paid 4,000 auto workers a quarter billion dollars in severance pay Monday as they closed their California plant. They have to get rid of the cash. If you leave it lying around, the trial lawyers are just going to break in through the windows.
Los Angeles was hit by a moderate earthquake at four o’clock in the morning on Tuesday. When quakes hit California late at night everyone does the same thing. We jump out of bed, turn on the news and see if the anchorman is underneath the desk.
Israel’s Ambassador to the United States said Monday that U.S.-Israeli relations are at a crisis point. Things are tense. This would be a good time for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to remind everyone that her husband’s last girlfriend was Jewish.
House Democrats tried Tuesday to pass health care reform without taking a vote on it. This is their chance. If it turns out they wasted an entire year and accomplished nothing they’ll be able to run on all the money they saved the taxpayers.
Democrats vowed Monday to stay in session all weekend to pass the health care reform bill. They’ve agreed on everything except abortion, coverage for illegal immigrants, and how to pay for it. It makes Middle East peace look like a doable deal.
Democratic former congresswoman Marjorie Margolies assured former House members Tuesday there’s life after Congress if voters run them out over health care reform. It was a sign that Democrats are getting cold feet on health care. When Democrats say everyone must sacrifice for the greater good they expect to get a sponsor’s exemption.
Tea Party members stormed Congress Tuesday to protest health care reform. They are serious. Many of them are Southern Baptists and they just elected a nude male model U.S. senator from Massachusetts over the candidate who favored health care reform.
President Obama urged Democratic House members Tuesday to vote for health care reform even if the vote costs the congressmen their jobs. Fortunes of war. If they wanted to be on the government payroll for life they should have become auto workers.
The State Department warned college students Tuesday against going to Mexico on Spring Break. Drug cartels have been executing Americans. Mexico would do a lot better in world markets if they would learn not to kill or kidnap their best customers.
ESPN’s Erin Andrews goes on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars Monday days after her stalker went to prison for 30 months. She was furious he didn’t get more time. He slipped a camera though her hotel door peephole, took pictures of her naked, posted them on the Internet for the world to see, and she has no sense of humor about it at all.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.19.10