Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods angered golf purists Tuesday for selecting the hallowed Masters as his return venue. His image is in tatters. In a poll last week a thousand blondes were asked if they would sleep with Tiger Woods and sixty percent replied never again.
The Los Angeles Marathon will be run today from Dodger Stadium to Malibu. The route forced twenty-six churches to cancel Sunday services. People in L.A. worship their own bodies and they don’t understand why the earthquakes won’t leave us alone.
Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington apologized Wednesday for testing positive for cocaine last year, telling reporters it’s the only time he ever did coke in his life. Nobody is buying it. Does he think he’s running for president twenty years ago?
Michael Jackson’s estate signed a quarter-billion dollar deal with Sony. He is the second dead superstar in history who’s worth more dead than alive. It just shows that if Lisa Marie Presley is in your will you’re not going to live to be sixty.
Tea Party protesters against health care reform came to Capitol Hill Wednesday looking for wavering Democrats. They didn’t find many. They should have checked out the St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York where the free beer had everybody wavering.
House Democrats rolled out their health care reform bill Thursday. It contains huge tax increases, massive subsidies, penalties for businesses and mandates for individuals. Hours earlier a Muslim cleric in Yemen had called for the destruction of America and for the rest of the day he felt like Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s plan to pass health care reform without a vote ran into a firestorm Thursday. She was shocked to hear the public was paying attention to the details. Thanks to Tiger Woods everyone’s an expert on the reconciliation process.
Nancy Pelosi conjured a no-vote maneuver on health care Wednesday in which the House would deem the Senate bill passed. It lets Democrats seize the health care industry a year after seizing GM. Now they’re fighting over who gets to shoot the Czar.
Congressman Dennis Kucinich changed his mind Wednesday and decided to support the health care reform bill. This is big. The health care reform bill now has the support of the only U.S. congressman who ever saw a UFO in Shirley MacLaine’s back yard.
President Obama held the Friends of Ireland lunch at the White House Wednesday and said his mother’s ancestors lived in Ireland. It’s true. His mother’s side is Anglo-Norman and if you conquer a place, you can technically say that you live there.
President Obama’s disapproval ratings went up in the polls Tuesday as Newsweek reported a malaise in America. This is nothing new. If it were any more like the Carter Era, President Obama would be constantly embarrassed by his brother Billy Obama.
CBS Sports promoted Tiger Woods’s return to the Masters in April as the biggest media event since President Obama’s inauguration day. The president loves golf and Tiger loves adultery. If they would swap jobs it might go better for both of them.
Hillary Clinton bawled out Benjamin Netanyahu over the phone Tuesday over new apartment buildings that Israel began building in Jerusalem. She was livid. It’s the exact same tone of voice she used when she found out Bill had his own apartment.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.22.10

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