Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Senator Tom Coburn promised to put a hold on any congressman’s nomination for a federal job if it’s a payoff for backing health care reform. Some federal jobs don’t require Senate approval. Five years from now the GM car you buy may be hand-made by a dozen former congressmen.
The Council of La Raza called for Hispanic opposition to the health care reform bill Friday. It provides no coverage for illegal aliens. After they walk across the Sonoran desert to work here the least we could give them is coverage for a podiatrist.
NBA owners okayed Michael Jordan’s two hundred seventy-five million dollar bid to buy the Charlotte Bobcats Friday. That’s pretty much every nickel he ever made. It was another huge setback for Las Vegas, who would have gotten the money eventually.
Somali pirates staged a comical attempt to capture a fully armored Dutch naval warship Thursday. The Dutch ship was armed with rockets, anti-aircraft guns, mines and artillery. Just the pirates’ luck, they picked a ship that was transporting drugs.
Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington apologized to his team Thursday for using cocaine last year. He said it just happened once last summer. It was a mistake to have them wear those throwback jerseys from the Seventies without checking the pockets.
The Georgia Bureau of Investigation requested to speak with Ben Roethlisberger about an alleged sexual assault on a college girl in a bar. The prosecutor’s hands are tied. Under Georgia law, quarterbacks can have anything they want except dogfights.
The Weather Channel aired footage Thursday of floods in the Midwest, tornadoes in the Southwest and earthquakes on the West Coast. Maybe there is something to climate change. Oil men and bankers are talking about moving to Belize until Obama blows over.
The Texas School Board’s vote on the state’s history textbook content resulted in a defeat for social liberals and a total victory for faith-based conservatives last week. They may have gone a little overboard. The South didn’t win the Civil War.
President Obama ordered the Army not to fly the U.S. flag while they’re in Haiti, saying we’ll look like occupiers. He lacks Lincoln’s courage. Abe Lincoln ordered the U.S. flag to fly at every base and he didn’t care what Southerners thought about it.
Attorney General Eric Holder told Congress Tuesday Osama bin Laden will never face trial in the U.S. because we’ll be tracking him down. The evidence supports that. Unless he tries to buy back his memorabilia in Las Vegas we’ll never capture him alive.
The Los Angeles Marathon incited local fury Sunday over its new route, which cut off traffic all day. No one was happy. The day ended as it always does, with some Kenyan outlasting everybody and claiming victory, but enough about health care reform.
Hillary Clinton flew to Moscow Thursday to try to talk Russia out of opening a nuclear plant in Iran in July. The U.S. isn’t the only one upset. It’s only natural that local businesses in Teheran don’t want a Target opening up in their neighborhood.
President Obama begged the Hispanic House Caucus last week to back health care reform so that his presidency will be strong. He was trying to appeal to their Spanish tradition of strong male leadership. Of course the effect was ruined when Michelle walked into the meeting and ordered them to eat apples instead of doughnuts.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.23.10

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