Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Jeb Bush went on Fox News Monday and advocated freedom and economic growth and tax cuts and smaller government. He was firm, calm and eloquent. Republicans saw him and crossed their fingers and hoped against hope that the third time’s the charm.
NFL owners met in Orlando this week where they considered changing the overtime rules to settle tie games. They must act fast. They’re afraid President Obama will issue an executive order decreeing that all ties have to be decided by Joe Biden.
Sandra Bullock saw photos of husband Jesse James’s biker mistress Tuesday. She wore a bikini, a German SS officer’s hat and Nazi armbands, and she licked a knife with a swastika on it. Resumes are pouring in to Washington to be the new Health Care Czar.
ABC’s Erin Andrews went on ABC’s Good Morning America to tell how going on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars helps her recover from being stalked on videocam. Her courage sends a powerful message to celebrities. No personal horror is above cross-promotion.
Florida filed a lawsuit Wednesday over the health care law’s requirement that Americans must own health insurance. It’s probably unconstitutional. You cannot force people to buy anything unless you advertise it as making you irresistible to women.
President Obama signed the health care reform bill into law Tuesday at the White House. Insurance companies are nervous about it. Already you can buy a bracelet on the Internet with your debit card number inscribed on it along with instructions to the paramedics to phone Blue Cross and buy you a policy on the way to the hospital.
President Obama won over pro-life Democrats by promising to sign an executive order banning federal funds for abortions. Bart Stupak was had. Executive orders are only binding on Venezuela, North Korea, Cuba and the last segment of The Apprentice.
President Obama must hit the road this week trying to sell his health care reform law. He’s working hard with his speechwriters. They’re trying to get an applause line out of telling Americans the IRS is going to fine them for not buying health insurance.
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush paid a visit to Haiti Monday to view America’s earthquake relief efforts on the stricken island. The two men have more in common than you’d think. They are both war-time presidents, if you count marriage counseling.
The Episcopal Church approved the election of a lesbian bishop Thursday in the Diocese of Los Angeles. The historic church may split in two over gay ordination. Conservative Anglicans can’t abide a theology which hates the sin but loves the shoes.
The U.S. Census forms arrived in the mail Friday. It will give the government a complete database of everyone’s name, age, address, phone number, race, marital status and income. After taking over the auto industry, the insurance industry and the financial industry the government plans to take over the computer dating industry.
Tiger Woods gave interviews to the Golf Channel and to ESPN Sunday in which he discussed aspects of his sexual recovery program. Giving up your old behavior is a full-time task. Seeing midgets on the side is not proof that you’re tapering off.
President Obama pushed House Democrats to pass health care reform by two votes Sunday. Reaction in the Red States was volcanic. Democrats always thought Barack Obama was Jesus but they didn’t think his first resurrection would be Richard Nixon.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.24.10

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