Posted: Thursday, March 25, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Capitol Hill was the scene of protests Sunday by Hispanics for amnesty and by Tea Partyers against health care reform. What fun. That day Hispanics marching for citizenship collided with Tea Party activists marching for secession and formed a passport office.
Cincinnati Bengals star Chad Ochocinco announced Monday he’ll date eighty-five women on a TV reality show this summer. It’s a bracket-style dating tournament. The lesson from Tiger Woods is that you should never keep this kind of thing a secret.
The Los Angeles Marathon had one casualty Sunday when a young man collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. Fortunately, he’s okay. All obituaries for joggers in Los Angeles sound just alike, they say the guy died doing what he loved, inhaling carbon monoxide.
Lance Armstrong ripped ESPN’s Tony Kornheiser Monday for joking that motorists should run down bicyclists hogging the right lane in traffic. Bicyclists simply don’t belong there. The right-hand lane in Los Angeles is for people who are drug-free.
House Democrats passed the health care reform bill by two votes Sunday. It had a useful purpose. The American people got to see how a bill actually gets through Congress and now everyone who wants to lose weight just watches C-SPAN and up it comes.
President Obama celebrated his legislative victory at the White House with his Oval Office staffers Sunday. He opened up a bottle of champagne on the Truman Balcony. President Obama’s doctor ordered him two weeks ago to moderate his drinking, but if he was a moderate there would have been lawsuit reform in the health care bill.
Florida filed a lawsuit Tuesday over the health care law’s requirement that Americans must own health insurance. It’s probably unconstitutional. You cannot make people buy anything unless you advertise it as making you irresistible to women.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Monday demanded a recount in the Iraqi elections held three weeks ago to determine their next leader. Iraq’s having the same problem we had in Florida ten years ago. They didn’t count the U.S. military vote.
President Obama began lobbying for an immigration reform bill Tuesday. He will regret it. These families work hard, own small businesses, buy homes, stay married and raise kids, so legalizing them could double the number of Republicans in California.
Brigham Hospital in Boston released a study Friday which shows that middle-aged women who drink moderately gain less weight. They didn’t study the effects of alcohol on young women. There has already been thousands of years of research on that.
PepsiCo announced Monday it’s going to cut down on sodium, saturated fat and sugar in its Frito-Lay, Pepsi, Quaker and Tropicana products. They were responding to White House pressure. If the White House was going to adopt just one policy from the Clinton administration, it should have been job creation, not tastelessness.
Sandra Bullock canceled out of the London premiere of The Blind Side Friday over more family crises. Losing her husband wasn’t enough last weekend. She came home an hour early Saturday night and caught her Oscar in bed with the Nazi medal of valor.
Tiger Woods’s return in the Masters sent ticket prices through the roof Monday as CBS prepared for huge ratings. Public interest in golf is at an all-time high. That is because nobody understands the health care bill but everybody understands sex.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.25.10