Posted: Friday, March 26, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Sandra Bullock was reported Tuesday divorcing husband Jesse James for cheating with a stripper. His name was the first clue. Next time Sandra goes out with a guy named after an outlaw he’ll be guilty of nothing worse than not having health insurance.
PepsiCo announced it’s going to reduce the salt, sugar and fat content of its Frito-Lay, Pepsi and Tropicana products. It’s a tactical retreat. Pepsi decided to cut the richness of the food before President Obama gets around to re-distributing it.
President Obama signed the Health Care Reform Act Tuesday as Democrats cheered wildly. It may not be the last word. It’s just a matter of time before a Republican president is sworn into office and declares that our long national colonoscopy is over.
Joe Biden had a slip of the tongue Tuesday and said the F-word on worldwide TV while hugging President Obama after he signed the Health Care Reform Act. It tells you how contentious the bill is. Even the people in favor of it are swearing about it.
Tea Party activists vowed revenge on congressmen who passed health care reform Tuesday. They see it as a threat to liberty. How many people in America will die for lack of medical care because they refuse to give the government their coordinates?
The Health Care Reform Act went into effect on Tuesday. There was an immediate 10 percent health care tax imposed at tanning salons. George Hamilton filed a lawsuit right away saying it is discriminatory to tax him based on the color of his skin.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he’s worried about sex charges against Ben Roethlisberger. He wants to be proactive. As soon as an NFL player is accused of attacking a woman the commissioner immediately begins impaneling a jury in Los Angeles.
Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt was accused in court papers of adultery Monday by wife Jamie. She was sleeping with the chauffeur. Frank and Jamie are both very involved in community outreach and when it reached back they just couldn’t say no.
The Episcopal Church upset church conservatives Friday by selecting its second gay bishop. Times have changed. Whenever a bishop’s procession enters a sanctuary they’re dressed up as a policeman, a firefighter, an Indian and a construction worker.
Fox News did a poll Monday showing two-thirds of voters think the national debt is a greater threat to our future than terrorism. That means we’re lucky Osama bin Laden is alive. If the Hindus are right, he could be reincarnated as a stimulus bill.
Hillary Clinton was in Mexico with Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, Homeland Security’s Janet Napolitano and intelligence chief Admiral Mullen. It’s related to Middle East peace talks. President Obama has a plan to make Mexico the Jewish state.
Homeland Security made plans Tuesday to scrap the $800 million virtual fence on the Arizona-Mexico border. It simply wasn’t working. Mexican criminals who run cocaine, marijuana and illegal workers across the border aren’t embarrassed to set off a loud buzzer the way the Republicans are who designed this thing.
British treasure hunters found 1,500 Anglo-Saxon gold pieces buried in a farmer’s field in England. The coins are from the seventh century. It’s a warning to any government that wants to tax the rich that tax evasion’s a very old art.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.26.10