Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Oscar de la Hoya was shown in photos Monday wearing fishnet stockings and high heels in a feminine pose. Reaction was swift. The Republican National Committee asked him for a current address so they’ll know in which state to run him for senator.
President Bush pardoned a turkey on the White House lawn Tuesday, just two days before Thanksgiving Day. The people of Iran watched the ceremony over satellite television but they were disappointed. They had heard he was going to pardon a country.
Massachusetts will hold a ceremony Thursday celebrating the first Thanksgiving dinner held by Puritan settlers. Back in England they were nicknamed the Roundheads. Now you know why Barry Bonds has been named an honorary Thanksgiving turkey this year.
Heather Mills McCartney asked Americans Monday to cut down on eating meat, dairy and fish to help save the planet. She picked the wrong week. Thanksgiving is a time when Americans would eat her left leg if she left it on the table next to the cranberries.
San Francisco officials asked for federal aid Sunday to clean up the nasty oil spill in San Francisco Bay. Government response to the disaster was swift. Within an hour of the request, FEMA officials were on their way to New Orleans with trailers.
CBS News writers voted to go on strike Monday, affecting the network’s national newscast and CBS owned-and-operated stations. The public is confused. It’s hard to know what the writers want when they go on strike because the picket signs are blank.
MTV launched MTV Arabia in Dubai Monday for people in the Middle East. It will feature groups singing in Arabic. The only downside is, in this part of the world rap artists will have to show respect for women in order to rebel against the culture.
Queen Elizabeth celebrated her sixtieth wedding anniversary with Prince Philip by attending a ceremony in Parliament. It’s so different there. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline celebrated their first wedding anniversary by splitting a pack of Parliaments.
Laura Bush unveiled a new coin honoring Dolley Madison Monday. She said first ladies have always guided the nation in perilous times. Unfortunately that can’t be confirmed because Dolley Madison’s papers are still locked up at the Clinton Library.
President Bush gave a positive speech in Virginia Monday but campaign-obsessed reporters didn’t even cover it. It wouldn’t help if he went missing. As soon as the White House put his picture on the side of a milk carton, the price of milk would drive down his approval ratings.
John McCain announced Monday that he will spend Thanksgiving in Baghdad with U.S. troops. They will crowd around him. Once the troops are in three McCain campaign commercials they qualify for Screen Actor’s Guild insurance and free botox injections.
Robert Novak wrote Saturday Hillary Clinton’s campaign aides are whispering that they have damaging dirt on Barack Obama but won’t use it. It wouldn’t help Hillary. Barack Obama has Secret Service protection, so whatever he has done, his wife can’t kill him.
Ron Paul spoke in Reno Tuesday and called for abolishing the IRS and legalizing drugs and restoring the gold standard and living free. The crowd’s reception was very cool. If the whole country were like that, there would be no need for Nevada.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.21.07

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