Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama will toss out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. Don’t worry. To make sure he gets a warm reception, nobody will be allowed to buy a ticket to the game if they make over two hundred fifty thousand dollars a year.
Pope Benedict gave the sermon in Vatican Square on Palm Sunday. The newspapers accused him of covering up priest sex scandals when he was a cardinal. In an effort to change the subject Sunday the pope announced he has decided to play in the Masters.
PepsiCo said Tuesday it’s going to reduce the salt in its Frito-Lay and Pizza Hut products. That was wise. The less salt they have in their junk food when California legalizes pot in November, the safer they’ll be from hypertension lawsuits.
Sandra Bullock went into hiding Friday as four more women claimed affairs with her husband Jesse James. Not again. That sex addiction rehab in Mississippi is about to replace the Betty Ford Center as a station of the cross if you want to be a celebrity.
Augusta National warned ticket holders for next week’s Masters tournament to be on their best behavior while Tiger Woods is playing. No one knows how the gallery will react to him. It could be the first Girls Gone Wild video ever broadcast on network television.
U.S. Congressman Paul Broun of Georgia proposed Friday that the first weekend of May be Ten Commandments Weekend. For three days there’d be no lying, no stealing, no cheating and no adultery. It’s another attempt to shut down the federal government.
The GOP National Committee reimbursed a donor two thousand dollars Monday for money spent at a bondage club in West Hollywood. It makes no sense. You would think if Republicans were sexually turned on by being beaten they’d just stay in Washington.
House Democrats called four CEO’s to testify in Congress in April after they said they will have to cut jobs because of health care reform’s cost to their companies. They need to be careful what they say. If the CEOs even have breakfast together before their testimony they could be identified as a White Christian Militia.
Sarah Palin drew big crowds in Arizona last weekend as she campaigned for John McCain’s re-election. She wore a leather jacket, a short skirt and spoke off the top of her head. It shows how far women have come in two years in the Republican Party.
The White House announced a new bailout for homeowners Friday. It’s for people who can’t pay their mortgage. Whether you qualify depends on how many payments you missed, whether you’ve lost your job and whether the sign on your lawn was for Obama or McCain.
Osama bin Laden released a threatening new audiotape Tuesday. He’s been in the caves a long time. The delay in the release of the transcript has nothing to do with translation, it just takes awhile to find a car old enough to have a tape player.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Il threatened to attack the U.S. and Japan during a naval incident Friday. He said his missiles could destroy the Toyota factory in Kyoto in five minutes. This could be the first war in history that saved lives in the long run.
Walt Disney issued a casting call for actresses Monday for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie and specified no breast implants. They plan to test the actresses by making them run down the street, because the jiggle gives it away. After ten years someone’s finally figured out a way to get a TV contract for the Los Angeles Marathon.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.31.10

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