Argus Hamilton

LA JOLLA — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods agreed to face reporters in Augusta before the Masters begins next week. He admitted he’s got a lot of work to do in his marriage. In a related story, Ricky Martin ended years of rumor and speculation by admitting that he’s Puerto Rican.
Toyota owners considered filing a class-action suit against Toyota for damaging the resale value of their cars. Nobody can sell these things. Toyota announced they are temporarily stopping production because it’s the one thing at Toyota they could stop.
L.A. Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt met in L.A. divorce court Monday. It’s bitter. At last year’s home opener, Frank McCourt misunderstood when the stadium announcer asked him to throw out the first pitch and he threw his wife to the catcher.
Sam Bradford displayed his newly-repaired arm at his NFL workout on Monday. He threw the ball so well it cemented him as the first pick. His shoulder surgery was so successful it will go down in medical history as private health care’s Last Hurrah.
L.A. Fitness gyms dropped Fox News Monday from the cable channels customers can watch while they’re working out. They were losing business. The women on Fox News are so beautiful it made customers think they could get thin just by thinking Reagan thoughts.
Real American Stories hosted by Sarah Palin will premiere on Fox News Channel this week. She’s really trying to prove herself. After 14 years on the air, the Fox News channel has broken the color barrier by putting a brunette in the lineup.
The Republican National Committee ran up a $2,000 bill at a West Hollywood bondage club. The money was used for alcohol, not sex. Republicans live by a moral code which says that the tree of liberty is watered with super-premium vodkas.
President Obama met French President Sarkozy at the White House Tuesday. We’re rapidly turning into France. It seemed a lot more American when Dick Cheney used to welcome Somali pirates to the White House and give them merit badges in capitalism.
House Democrats demanded documents and e-mails from CEOs who oppose health care reform. It’s an illegal search and a breach of privacy. Democrats offer you sexual freedom for the rest of your freedoms but so far only California and New York have taken the deal.
President Obama called the Tea Party a core of people who doubt his legitimacy and his citizenship Tuesday. This is hilarious. Is there anything sillier than a bunch of Confederates accusing a foreigner of not belonging to this country?
Al-Qaeda recruited female suicide bombers for Monday’s Moscow bombing. They’re easier to recruit now. The mullahs stopped promising that 72 male virgins will greet them in Paradise and started promising them 72 pairs of new shoes.
Pope Benedict’s lawyers revealed their strategy to fight a lawsuit in Kentucky over priest sex scandals. The plaintiffs plan to question the pope under oath. What everybody wants to know is how Dog the Bounty Hunter got past the Vatican Guards.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.2.10

Print