Posted: Thursday, April 8, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods will tee it up in the Masters today after a five-month absence from the PGA Tour to attend to personal problems. He’s worked himself back into top shape. Tiger Woods did a marathon over Easter weekend, but it was a Baywatch marathon.
Tiger Woods held a press conference at Augusta Monday. He refused to admit why he was in rehab or why he was snoring on the street after his car wreck. He did deny using performance-enhancing drugs, which had to be a big disappointment to Pfizer.
Michael Jackson’s doctor Conrad Murray was confronted by the Jackson family in L.A. court Monday as he was being arraigned for manslaughter. The family was $400 million in debt before Michael died and now they’re billionaires. When Peter Falk was spotted in the courtroom, the entire Jackson family ran for the door.
Mexico was hit by an earthquake Sunday which rocked Baja California. Everybody knows the safety drill. They warn you to stand in a doorway when the ground starts shaking, which explains why no Jehovah’s Witness has ever been killed by an earthquake.
Portland women marched topless Monday to protest a ban on breast exposure. They left is in a quandary. They’re protesting public nudity laws because they can’t bring themselves to admit that President Obama has escalated two wars and bailed out the banks.
Pope Benedict vowed Sunday that the priest sex abuse scandals won’t intimidate him. He began life in the Hitler Youth and fought in the German Army. Germans don’t think of it as priestly sexual abuse, they think of it as a World War II re-enactment.
President Obama gave an ecumenical Easter message on Sunday. He praised Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims and non-believers as the family of man. He was trying to show his tolerance for every religion except the one which builds apartments in East Jerusalem.
President Obama held the annual Easter Egg Roll Monday as hundreds of children rolled eggs with spoons on the South Lawn. Private school students were excluded and only public school students were invited. His own children needed a fake ID to get in.
House Democrats got a cold reception when they went home for their Easter break after the health care vote. Some were booed, jeered and barraged with cursing. They hadn’t heard language like that since Joe Biden called to wish them a happy birthday.
Hawaii lawmakers moved to make it a crime to ask to see President Obama’s birth certificate. It’s a source of tension in the White House. The difference between President Obama and Bo the Portuguese Water Dog is that at least Bo has papers.
Susan Boyle got her first royalty check after winning Britain’s Got Talent. She showed the world that if you’ve got talent, decency and values, looks don’t matter. Beverly Hills plastic surgeons have been offering talent, decency and values implants.
Saddam Hussein’s loyalists in Tikrit announced plans to convert the dictator’s palaces into tourist hotels. It’s pure luxury. Each room contains a case of Johnnie Walker, a package of black hair dye and a cellphone that speed dials your CIA handler.
The Pentagon revealed plans to send NATO troops to capture the Taliban stronghold of Kandahar in Afghanistan. The country sits in a valley surrounded by mountains, allowing cannons to echo like the voice of God. It’s what comedians call a great room.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 4.8.10