Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Duke defeated Butler for the NCAA basketball title Monday as America’s favorite elimination tournament ended. It started with 64, then 32, then 16, then eight, then four, then two, then one. Tiger always goes home to his wife.
Tiger Woods told reporters he’d been to rehab, suggesting that his days of wild living are over. Now we know why he needs 90 security guards to keep people away from him. Everyone knows he has got a billion dollars and nothing to spend it on.
Calexico was hit hard by Sunday’s earthquake in Mexico. The town is famous for cantinas and honky-tonk women. The U.S. stationed the National Guard at the border to keep Bill Clinton and George W. Bush from going down there to supervise the recovery.
L.A. Lakers owner Jerry Buss was voted into the NBA Hall of Fame Monday. He gave the sport glamor by seating Jack Nicholson, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey courtside. It’s the only sports arena in America where the nosebleed seats are on the front row.
The GOP National Committee chief of staff resigned after GOP donors were treated to an evening at a bondage club in West Hollywood. A bondage club was a bad idea. While attempting to look cool they just reinforced the party’s perceived softness on slavery.
Gordon Brown asked Queen Elizabeth to dissolve Parliament Tuesday and schedule elections in four weeks in Britain. They don’t need much time. Candidates don’t have to worry about producing birth certificates because everywhere used to be Britain.
The White House changed U.S. nuclear retaliation policy Monday, telling the world that nukes won’t be used in response to biological attack. For 60 years no one knew how we’d react. We elected deeply flawed presidents just for the deterrent effect.
President Obama will sign a deal with Russia Monday reducing our capability to wage a nuclear war. It’s a reckless idea. We almost got into a nuclear war with the Russians only once but at least we had a president with Marilyn Monroe’s wise counsel.
President Obama hosts 47 world leaders at the White House Tuesday. He has been shunning U.S. traditional allies. At the last summit Barack Obama only reached out in friendship to Nicaragua’s leader, thinking the guy was the president of Nicorette.
President Obama met with African-American church leaders at the White House on Tuesday who demanded a black Supreme Court justice. The president said nothing. Any suggestion that Clarence Thomas is black will get you a big laugh from this crowd.
The Transportation Department fined Toyota $17 million Tuesday for gas pedal defects. It hasn’t affected sales of the Prius. With oil heading for $90 a barrel, Americans would rather drive without brakes than pay four dollars a gallon.
Pope Benedict took on critics in his Easter sermon Sunday for accusing him of covering up priest sex abuse when he was a cardinal. It’s a public relations nightmare. If he covers up one more pedophilia charge, he could be named King of Pope.
President Obama regretted wearing a White Sox cap to his interview with ESPN’s Rob Dibble at the season opener in Washington. He couldn’t come up with one name when Dibble asked him to name his favorite White Sox player. Asking tough questions doesn’t feed a single hungry child or provide one uninsured American with health care.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.9.10a

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