Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House quashed reports Monday that Hillary Clinton’s being considered for the Supreme Court. A lot of men are breathing a sigh of relief. Every time a womanizer’s wife makes it to the Supreme Court it’s one more vote for the death penalty.
Phil Mickelson won the Masters on Sunday to the joy of a wildly cheering crowd at Augusta National Golf Club. All he talked about was his commitment to his wife and children. Look, it’s one thing to beat Tiger Woods, it’s another thing to pile on.
Tiger Woods took full responsibility for his Masters tournament play Sunday. He was sweet and accommodating and humble to fans and reporters all week long. No one knows if the operation was done in Mississippi or if Elin did it with a kitchen knife.
Texas Stadium was imploded with over a ton of dynamite Sunday. Twenty thousand people camped overnight in the parking lot to witness the demolition. They were hoping to see George W. Bush stand on the rubble with the bullhorn for old time’s sake.
Nicholas Cage put his mansion in Bel-Air up for auction Tuesday in a desperate bid to stay solvent. The movie star is clueless about money. Yesterday he sold his ocean-front apartment for two million dollars and the landlord is just furious at him.
Kitty Kelley released her new biography of Oprah Winfrey on Monday. The author says she knows who Oprah’s real father is but she wants Oprah to admit it first. So that’s two black leaders in America who won’t let anyone see their birth certificates.
KFC introduced a new Double Down sandwich made out of bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. Americans have stopped watching their cholesterol and stopped paying their mortgages. Let the Arabs beware, we’re all suicide bombers now.
The White House welcomed Chinese President Hu Jintao on Monday. The U.S. is trillions of dollars in debt to Communist China. It’s hard to believe that twenty-six years ago Nancy Reagan was nearly run out of the White House for borrowing dresses.
President Obama hosted a forty-six nation nuclear summit Monday. Great Britain, Australia, Israel and Saudi Arabia weren’t there. It’s like the last game of the NBA season when the coaches pull all the starters so they are rested for the playoffs.
Pope Benedict faced fire from Catholic laity on Sunday for protecting predator priests. It’s adding up. If Pope Benedict covers up one more case of child sex abuse, the remaining members of the Jackson family are going to hitch their wagon to his star.
Hillary Clinton said Sunday the U.S. will retaliate with nuclear bombs if anyone attacks the U.S. with biological weapons. She’s very attuned to this issue. It was a biological attack on a blue dress that nearly killed off the Clinton Administration.
Ben Roethlisberger dodged charges of sexual assault on Monday the same day his teammate Santonio Holmes was traded after similar charges. What does a Steeler do the moment he sees the woman of his dreams? He wipes the pepper spray out of his eyes.
Justice John Paul Stevens retires from the Supreme Court in May. He’s the only Protestant remaining on a court founded to protect what the Founders called their Protestant liberties. Now we’re such a vanishing breed we qualify for casino licenses.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.14.10

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