Posted: Friday, April 16, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Toyota urged people not to buy its Lexus GX 460, saying that the SUV has a rollover problem. Their cars either can’t stop, speed out of control or fall over. You knew this would happen once the U.S. government forced them to make cars that run on alcohol.
CBS Sports anchor Jim Nantz denounced Tiger Woods Monday for his on-the-course swearing at the Masters. The expletives were broadcast live on the air. The reason he had 90 security guards was to keep him from being killed by a rival rap label.
Charles Barkley urged the news media on Tuesday to leave Tiger Woods alone and permit him to get his life together. The NBA legend relates to Tiger’s problems. His own golf swing is so bad it just qualified for a government subsidy as a windmill.
Terry Bradshaw criticized Ben Roethlisberger Tuesday for drinking and repeatedly assaulting women in bars. Two years ago Ben flew headfirst through a windshield in a motorcycle wreck. Until now we didn’t realize the windshield was flirting with him.
Planet Hollywood will auction Marilyn Monroe’s chest X-rays from her physical. They’ll also auction a $15 check she wrote for the exam. It’s absolutely pornographic to exhibit a $15 medical bill outside an art museum.
Mercedes-Benz rolled out its 600 horsepower sports car at the New York Auto Show last week. Baby boomers love this car. Sure it’s expensive, but with a top speed of 200 miles an hour it’s a lot cheaper than nursing home insurance.
Michelle Obama was dispatched to Haiti Tuesday as a goodwill ambassador to the earthquake victims on the island. The first lady said she really enjoyed her time there. She thinks her campaign against childhood obesity is finally working somewhere.
President Obama bowed to China’s president at a summit Tuesday. It’s his fifth bow to Third World leaders. His plan is to put himself in so many Republican campaign commercials he’ll have Screen Actors Guild health insurance for the rest of his life.
The White House science adviser John Holdren told science students Monday the U.S. can’t expect to be No. 1 in the world forever. The professor went on to say that’s a good thing. The lower we go the better the draft pick we get for the next president.
Scripps Clinic said Friday that junk food triggers the same electrical brain activity as cocaine. Both light up the same pleasure centers in human beings. They serve Twinkies at Cocaine Anonymous meetings in Hollywood just to keep attendance up.
PETA urged the U.S. government to close down the Ringling Brothers Circus Monday claiming they whip elephants. Reaction was swift. As soon as the story broke, three GOP donors purchased season passes to Ringling Brothers thinking it is a bondage club.
Kitty Kelley’s new book says Oprah Winfrey made up stories of sexual abuse and was a teen hooker and hid lesbian affairs. This officially ends the Tiger Woods jokes. The first requirement of a democratic society is continuity in sex scandals.
Tea Party Tax Day protests were targeted for infiltration by liberal bloggers who routinely call Tea Party members racist, homophobic morons. The bloggers think of the nation’s Founding Fathers as slave-owning, Anglo-Saxon imperialists. They would cover their pictures on the currency but you can’t make any money blogging.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 4.16.10