By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Former Press Secretary Scott McClellan said Tuesday that President Bush helped to cover up the leak of CIA agent Valerie Plame’s identity. It caused panic. Later that day at the annual turkey pardoning ceremony, President Bush wrung the turkey’s neck and pardoned himself.
Michael Vick went to prison Monday for arranging dogfights and executing underperforming pit bulls. He was known to be vicious. Dog the Bounty Hunter refused to go on Dancing with the Stars for fear of what Michael Vick would do to him if he lost.
King Juan Carlos of Spain told Hugo Chavez to just shut up during last Friday’s summit in Madrid, and his words are now a huge seller as a cellphone ring tone. The king won’t see a cent from the downloads. He made a big mistake when he joined the Writers Guild.
The Weather Channel warned Monday that stormy weather would delay Thanksgiving travel across the nation. It was slow. Delays were so long at Minneapolis Airport that Sen. Larry Craig went to the men’s room because he had to go to the men’s room.
Superman star Brandon Routh will marry Courtney Ford Saturday at the Santa Barbara ranch of producer Jon Peters, and Gov. Schwarzenegger closed the airspace over the ranch. That’s how tough it is to travel on the holidays. Even Superman’s grounded.
Macy’s held its annual Thanksgiving Day Parade down Broadway in New York on Thursday. They had extra guide ropes on all the balloons to make sure they didn’t crash into any of the buildings. Nobody wanted to see Underdog wind up at Guantanamo.
Oil prices hit $98 a barrel Monday in New York trading. This is past crazy. Gasoline is so expensive that Bloomingdale’s is going to put it in bottles this Christmas and sell it as a fragrance called Elizabeth Taylor’s Hard Miles.
The U.S. will attempt Mideast peace talks in Maryland Tuesday. Lebanon is being run by Hezbollah, Hamas controls the Gaza Strip, the U.S. has thrown its weight behind Saddam’s old party in Iraq, and Iran is acquiring nuclear weapons. The way the war on terror is progressing, Americans are starting to wonder if President Bush is a double agent.
The Transportation Security Administration told U.S. airline passengers they must pack neatly. Officials say bags that have too much clutter in them will be pulled aside for more screening. This is the point where even the Germans say enough already.
Fran Townsend resigned Monday as President Bush’s terrorism advisor. She said terrorists will attack during the next elections. You don’t get a gold watch when you leave this administration because the ticking causes fighter jets to be scrambled.
Utah polygamist Warren Jeffs got life in jail Tuesday for being an accomplice to rape, after he forced a teenage girl to marry her cousin. The outside world expressed outrage. Saudi Arabia just offered to buy him a presidential pardon and appoint him Justice Minister.
Hillary Clinton mocked Barack Obama for saying his childhood in a foreign country gave him valuable foreign policy experience. She said voters don’t consider that experience. It’s not like he decorated the White House Christmas tree eight times.
Barack Obama told a high school class in New Hampshire Tuesday that when he was their age he experimented with illegal drugs and wasted a lot of time. He’s 45e years old, he’s a United States senator and he’s leading in Iowa for president. Who’s he kidding, if he hadn’t done cocaine it would have taken him 10 years longer.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger on 11.23.07